Mami and Dadi, maafkanlah anak anda yang memboros ini :'(
Okay I'm upset.
These past few weeks in America made me realise a startling fact about myself: I am so damn talentless. I'm mediocre in every single aspect of my life.
Ok la, I know that its not a very legit reason to be as upset as I am right now, but after 2 decades to hone some sort of skill, you'd think I am able to do something amazingly. And yet here I am, just drifting by life and only getting by.
In Malaysia, I guess what stood out about me was that I spoke English really well but here, everyone speaks English so much better than I do. WHO AM I ANYMORE?!
I now also realize how boring I am. I never explore. I never have anything interesting to say. I'm not opinionated. I don't even have a good life story to tell. Kill me now. T.T Its like my life is just a gray space occasionally embellished with a few good moments.
Sigh, I don't even know why I care so much. I guess theres more to this upsetness than just being talentless and boring. Its also about me being in a perpetual slump.
I don't want to be an engineer. Its not me. Its not what I'm interested in. I get jealous every time someone says they have an interesting class and they love the lectures and its awesome for them, because I will probably never feel that way about what I'm doing. Waking up in the morning is never fun, and I am almost never happy going to class. Studying is always a chore and I want to just choke myself every time I have to do a calculus question.
At the same time, I want to continue being an engineering student and I want to someday become an engineer purely by the fact that I have invested too much time and money into this curse. And I am afraid to back out because what if I choose to major in something else and it turns out I hate that the same and it turns out that its just my perangai yang pemalas, and I just generally don't like studying. What if?
And what if I can't pick myself up after backing out from this. I'd have to go through all this from the beginning and get left behind and while everyone is working, I'd be doing my first year of degree hahaha fml.
And I'm scared that the whole 'Follow Your Dreams' thing is a scam and that actually, we shouldn't follow our dreams because the dream doesn't make money.
But then if I make a lot of money pun... so what? I don't really care about that. But that's easy for me to say cause I get money handed to me every month by a scholarship and I have never been in lack of money before. My family has never struggled financially (at least, I don't see it) and money is always a phone call away in case of emergencies.
But worst of all, the dream doesn't actually bring happiness.
But I hate it... and it sucks that I can't do anything about it. Someone asked me what I wanted to be if not an engineer, and I though... Housewife lol.
Anyway, I shouldn't be ranting about such a first world problem. "I hate having a free education boohoo!"
I should count my blessings before it gets taken away. Next post will be a more positive one, I promise. :)
Okay I'm upset.
These past few weeks in America made me realise a startling fact about myself: I am so damn talentless. I'm mediocre in every single aspect of my life.
Ok la, I know that its not a very legit reason to be as upset as I am right now, but after 2 decades to hone some sort of skill, you'd think I am able to do something amazingly. And yet here I am, just drifting by life and only getting by.
In Malaysia, I guess what stood out about me was that I spoke English really well but here, everyone speaks English so much better than I do. WHO AM I ANYMORE?!
I now also realize how boring I am. I never explore. I never have anything interesting to say. I'm not opinionated. I don't even have a good life story to tell. Kill me now. T.T Its like my life is just a gray space occasionally embellished with a few good moments.
Sigh, I don't even know why I care so much. I guess theres more to this upsetness than just being talentless and boring. Its also about me being in a perpetual slump.
I don't want to be an engineer. Its not me. Its not what I'm interested in. I get jealous every time someone says they have an interesting class and they love the lectures and its awesome for them, because I will probably never feel that way about what I'm doing. Waking up in the morning is never fun, and I am almost never happy going to class. Studying is always a chore and I want to just choke myself every time I have to do a calculus question.
At the same time, I want to continue being an engineering student and I want to someday become an engineer purely by the fact that I have invested too much time and money into this curse. And I am afraid to back out because what if I choose to major in something else and it turns out I hate that the same and it turns out that its just my perangai yang pemalas, and I just generally don't like studying. What if?
And what if I can't pick myself up after backing out from this. I'd have to go through all this from the beginning and get left behind and while everyone is working, I'd be doing my first year of degree hahaha fml.
And I'm scared that the whole 'Follow Your Dreams' thing is a scam and that actually, we shouldn't follow our dreams because the dream doesn't make money.
But then if I make a lot of money pun... so what? I don't really care about that. But that's easy for me to say cause I get money handed to me every month by a scholarship and I have never been in lack of money before. My family has never struggled financially (at least, I don't see it) and money is always a phone call away in case of emergencies.
But worst of all, the dream doesn't actually bring happiness.
But I hate it... and it sucks that I can't do anything about it. Someone asked me what I wanted to be if not an engineer, and I though... Housewife lol.
Anyway, I shouldn't be ranting about such a first world problem. "I hate having a free education boohoo!"
I should count my blessings before it gets taken away. Next post will be a more positive one, I promise. :)