Embarassing!

Oh, woe is me!

Today, as I was shopping, something embarassing happened...

I wanted to get some new jeans, and since jeans is something I wear almost every day, I thought I should invest in them.

So I went to Gap and bought a pair of jeans for an "expected" price. It was like RM215, which is not so bad considering everything like the quality and brand. Plus, my 2014 New Year's resolution was not to be so cheapskate and buy low quality stuff.

But I didn't have enough cash on me so I had to use my card, and the horror of horrors happened. My card was denied FML.

I was so flustered I couldn't even finish my sentences! And I said, "I'm gonna... I'm gonna...*points to the general direction of the exit*." And the cashier said, "To the atm?" "Yeah."

I don't even know why I'm so embarassed because things like this happens sometimes right right?? But I felt this irrational urge to tell the cashier that I had loads of money.

In the end, everything went fine though. But I have new jeans! I have been wearing the same two jeans for the whole year, so cannot! Time for new ones hoho.

A while back, my results for school came out and as expected, I did badly. But I feel like I grew a thicker skin and learnt to accept failure better. I didn't cry over it or told people about it and I forgot about it the next day haha.

Thinking about that made me think more about how I've grown and not grown this year.

I've grown to be more independent, I think because I found myself not thinking about home or family as much. I've even gone to a point where I don't call or text my parents anymore. And I looooove being able to make my own decisions about where to go and what to do whenever and wherever.

But at the same time, I still feel like a little child. I still have severe regret inducing spending habits. Like on Chinese New Year, I didn't go back home to Sabah, and I spent about RM 100 every single day for 5 days. 😥😥😥 So wasteful!! *knocks head

And I am sometimes tactless in my conversations with people. I noticed that I hurt people's feelings a lot a lot and I wanna say sorry but its too awkward because I'm not sure if their feelings are even hurt and don't wanna make it a big deal if its not.  Y'know what I mean?

I'm also still socially awkward ngeh. Some people say I look antisocial and others say I'm friendly, so it can go either way I suppose. But I admire nice and friendly people in my school and I wanna be like that! Hmm, like Jesus? 😄😄

Yes! Just like Jesus.

10 things I wanna be/do
1. Kinder.
2. Nicer.
3. Gentler.
4. When people do wrong to me, I want to respond in kind. Like turning the other cheek when people slap you and to forgive even when people are not sorry.
5. Not judge.
6. Be more grateful.
7. Generous. I wanna be generous not just in the form of money and material things, but also in my time and kindness and friendship.
8. No more gossiping! I am guilty of this this year. I feel like my mean words are just as bad when the person in question isn't there.
9. Not be so kedekut with compliments and love.
10. Be more motivated and positive. This year I was very pessimistic, almost borderline asshole lol. And I think the negative thinking actually makes me more annoying because I keep bursting people's bubbles.

Hello once more readers, I finally have free time (for two months to be exact) and I can blog yey!

I actually logged on into this blog without any plans or things to say, but I must have something to say right? Its been two months since I last said anything.

Well, for starters...

For the past two weeks, I have been off contact from everyone (except family). I am really crap at keeping in touch with people unless I am forced into situations with them. I am crap at small talk and I am crap at coming up with unnecessary conversations.

I did actually text with a friend at the beginning of the holiday, and we literally wrote about ten lines each and ended our conversation with 'hahas' and 'lols'. I mean, what do you expect me to say when all you say to me is 'haha'?? Because that is one of my tactics to end conversations online, so I just end up not replying.

Also, I deleted my twitter account, so nobody can contact me through that either. Which leaves facebook (which I am also planning on deleting if not for the photos) and instagram. I quite enjoy instagram actually. But who has conversations on instagram? No one.

But I am loving this solitude actually. Or am I just saying that to lie to myself and make myself feel better? *laughs maniacally

Socializing is such hard work.

Speaking of socializing, there is something on that topic that I want to get off my chest. And I feel like such a 16 year old for having this on my chest in the first place.

But aren't sweet boys just one of the most frustrating things ever? Frustrating, and deceiving. Whenever a boy says sweet things to me like...

This one guy said to me, "Who said you're nothing to me?"

And another guy saying to another guy and I was a spectator to the conversation, "Crystal is pretty." *blush (not every day you hear that

Or when you say, "No one would be interested in anything I say," and he goes "I would". *true story

Or if its just a compliment accompanied by the most dashing smile and an intense stare directed at you...

There are always two parts of my brain going on when these things happens. One of them makes my heart skip a beat and my lips turn upward and my cheeks blush. I could never help feeling a teeny tiny bit happy after that.

But at the same time, I know that 99.99% of these comments, usually don't mean as much as I think. And I think a lot, cause, you know, I'm a little crazy. But its crazy with a leash on because there's always that dependant part of my mind that says "Woah hold it sister."

And I am ever so grateful that I have those thoughts but sometimes, the thought comes too late and this happens.

A guy says hi.
Me : Do you think he likes me?
Friend : Wut o.O
Me : (under my breath) damn what is wrong with me?

So yeah, that was just a thought I had.  Crazy thoughts... now you see why I feel like a 16 year old when this is the crap going through my mind. You'd think I would have something better to ponder on, like world peace or uni applications but no no. I choose these things.

Sigh. Although, I think these meaningless thoughts are just distractions I am making up for my studies. I worry tirelessly every single say but there is nothing I can do! I wish my school offered some classes over these 2 months and let me do something because not doing anything about my stupid grades is driving me insane.

I just hope my parents won't be called to the parent lecture meeting if i don't meet the required CGPA. WHICH I AM SO FUCKING WORRIED ABOUTTTTT!

Just suck it up i suppose. And deal with the consequences of not doing well. I'll just think of it as a fall, and I will get up and recover. Have to have to have to!

I am not looking forward to it. 😕 I might even cut myself off the world for a few weeks so I don't cry about it to anyone and annoy people. I'd cry if my CGPA was less than 3.00.

It would take a really bad result for that my CGPA to go that low but I'm being pessimistic. That way the fall would hurt less.

I think last weekend was one of the most fun weekend in the history of weekends I have experienced. But also one of the most irresponsible.

On Sunday, a lot of students from my school were flying off to the US for studies and there were two people I wanted to send off: Qid and Sarah.

As it happens, their flight was at the same time and they had to check in by 7am O.O

I think when people realized the time, they started to become realistic and most of them couldn't go.

I so wanted to go though! So me and some friends decided to rent a car and stay out overnight on 11pm Saturday night, go to the airport by 6.00am and return to our beds by 9am.

God give me strength.

I thought I would be so tired but I was unexpectedly fine throughout the night and morning. We had some bonding time between Fresnorians in the car.

One of the things I loved to hate was when we shared horror stories. I'm terrified of horror stories especially when it is experienced first hand by the storyteller but at the same time, it gave a kind of adrenaline rush. It was gooood.

We also went to watch Scorch Trials! I get to watch more of Newt hehe and it was a really nice movie. Me and Faidah held hands at the intense scenes while Faris slept through them. But the movie was really frustrating! There are still so many unanswered questions...

We also went to a colorful bridge. Yep, a COLORFUL bridge. I was kinda paranoid while we were there cause it felt vulnerable. Anybody could come and mug us cause we were so unprotected. When I voiced out my concerns, the boys said they could protect us. =.= I think they were imagining harmless wolfwhistling and catcalls. I was imagining being at gun point.

But all was well. :D we got back home safe and sound.

We arrived at the airport around 6am and I got to say goodbye to Qid and Sarah.

But Sarah, sorry I couldn't get to you right before you boarded :( Good luck ya! Stay positive, be happy always and study hard!!! Congratulations for flying off, and if you need anyone to talk to, you can watsapp me anytime. Xoxo exo exo. See you in the US :D

What a busy busy busyyyyy few days, as usual.

But this week is as busy as a midsem kind of week! Let me list out my work for you so you can see just how bad this week is...

Chemistry lab report, mock trial personal report, spontaneous speech for contemporary law, physics AND chemistry AND calculus II tests, programming quiz.

Yay for engineering right?

I have my calculus II test tomorrow and I am slowly losing my noggins but that's okay cause...

Next week is a holiday weee!

Which is a well deserved break for me I think. I will be going back to Sabah and my mom is having a holiday too and we can spend some mother daughter time together, which is my favorite kind of time.

Today is a holiday, cause its Malaysia Day and I think I took it for granted cause I didn't even study much. All I did was eat and read and eat and somehow, its already midnight and the day is gone.

I'm sure that if it wasn't a holiday, there'd be more work piled on us.

So, remember how a post a while back was about me complaining about the woes of singledom? Well, after more and more thinking, do I even have time to think about such bullshit right now?

I am barely breathing, so why do I need to muddle up my mind with 'feelings'. Right or not? So, its better to just push all the unnecessary stuff away for now and focus on more important things such as my calculus II test tomorrow, which I should really start studying for.

 Calculus II.... is probably the best among the worst of the core subjects I'm taking. The best subject would be contemporary law which is ironic because I'm taking engineering, not law. Maybe law is my calling.

Another thing, I have been moping a lot lately because my grades aren't as good as I hoped. I mean, they're really really bad. But I think, my moping around and being sad all the time is just annoying the people around me so I need to stop.

But how?

I am the type of person who wears her heart on her sleeve and every single emotion I feel shines through like a big disco ball in a dark room. Even my lecturer said so, "If she (me) likes something, she shows it." Can't help it leh. Its like reflex for me to express.

I'm trying to learn to control my emotions but hahaha I'm not doing very well.

Any tips? I'm bad at playing cards because of this. When people try to guess who I like pun its so easy cause I suck in my cheeks. When I am uncomfortable I take a deep breath. When I'm lying I act really dumb. And when I'm happy I smile by myself.

Sometimes I just want an air of mystery to linger.

Just a short blog post!

Yesterday, I went shopping, cause how often does an engineering major in ACTP get to go shopping right?

Gosh that's still so weird. ACTP. Engineering. AMERICA O.o

Anyway, there was absolutely nothing out there worthy for me to spend on. All the outfits were boring and the few that were mildly interesting were overpriced.

But the good news is that US dollars are dropping :D but now I've said it I must have jinxed it and it'll rise right back up again.

I did buy an eyeshadow from innisfree cause I have no eyeshadow in my makeup stash AT ALL and I saw other people having a whole case of eyeshadow so maybe I could have at least one.

Today is Merdeka, Malaysia's independence day and I'm cooped in my room trying to do my physics lab report and failing miserably. The only thing stopping me from completing it is the bereftness of a protractor in my pencil case.

See that, 'bereft'. SAT word yoooo.

Hmmm, I should take a break and watch a movie. What movie to watch though when I have no internet connection here? Running Man pun cannot watch T.T

Or read a book? :D I have always preferred books as my favorite pastime leisure activity. And books with chocolates snacks combined  are God's gift from heaven I tell you.

I feel so pampered with those two!

Aiyo now I wanna go and get some chocolate coated popcorn... but popcorn is so expensive la how... or maybe just YOLO and buy em? Hm hm hmmmm...

Its a saturday!!

On a saturday, my heart beats in anticipation of doing absolutely nothing. I can just laze and chill and waste my time on reading books or if I'm lucky and the computer room is open, I'd go watch a movie.

Speaking of books, I just read Eleanor and Park and it was a roller coaster of emotions! How can Park want to be with an emotional wreck like Eleanor?! Why why whyyyyy? She's not nice. He deserves better.

Hmph.

Which makes me wonder about this funny little thing called love. I've been thinking about it quite a lot these past few weeks because I am noticing people acquiring it so easily, it's like buying love from the 1 dollar shop. Cheap to get. Easy to break.

How?? How can people go into relationships so easy and here I am practically living the past 18 years and a 11 months single. Of course its not a bad thing to be single, but it makes you wonder if there is something wrong with you. Ugly? Annoying? Gedik? B.O???

Buttttttt I have a consolation.


"Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree..."

Terima kasih ja la. Its not much of a consolation but ok, it's something hohiho.

Also, imagine all the missed oppurtunities you have. Imagine all the times you have liked someone and never said anything or even gave the slightest indication of your feelings. Or even times when you glance at someone or talked to someone and go, "That's cute," and "That's attractive." There has been hundreds of those times right? Now, imagine all the times that other people have thought things like that about you and you never got to know those times.

There has been hundreds or thousands of moments like that and we don't have the privilege to know! Sigh, this is a world bereft of justice....

Ok ok, the truth is, I think I know why I have such a nonexistent love life: cause I'm a snob. There, mystery solved. Woop dee doo. The first impression people have of me is usually stuck up, cause I'm so difficult to approach.

"Crystal, are you a gamer?" someone asked me one day as I was eating lunch.

"Nope. Why?" I asked, perplexed.

"You have a gamer feeling. Cause gamers are so hard to socialise with," the person replied and without another word, walked away. You can imagine me with a gaping mouth, trying to register what he said.

"Wha- what? I'm hard to socialise? Hey!!" I stuttered to his back.

I always hear stories about people fighting and quarreling and saying harsh things, like a guy friend of mine did. Lets call him Wheel.

He was having a verbal showdown with his friend and I wondered aloud, "I have never been close enough to a person to ever say such things to them."

"That's cause you never open yourself up to anyone," he pointed out.

"Well, maybe people just don't want to get to know me," I countered. After a while, I asked, "Am I really that difficult to talk to?"

"Its just that the first impression of you is that you're full of... (after a minute of thinking for the sugar coated word) integrity. People are afraid to talk to you in case they won't click with you."

Which translates to, "You're snobby looking." I wish I can deny it and say I'm just really shy and introverted but maybe I am a snobby bitch who is antisocial as a rock. Actually, I think I am just moderately antisocial. I wouldn't attempt to make small talk, but if you were to talk to me, I could keep up a conversation with you.

I won't eat you...

Alive hahaha joking joking. I totally would hahaha.

Don't Worry, There's Time

Omg, I have been such a procrastinator lately! And this is a critical time in my education so why am I like this!?

 I do my homework 2 hours before class, that's how bad I am. I just spend my time on my phone all the time.

Haih, so badddddd.

Happy Raya!

Friday night was so much fun! But I was so underdressed! Everyone was dressed up to the nines and there I was in my jeans. 

I ate so much food for RM5 which was crazyyyyyyy. I am a VERY happy girl. There was sate, lemang, ice cream, rendang, sate *throbbing heart shaped eyes

Of course, the best part of it all was the company hehe.

But I was so tired this week. Its like the life is drained out of me everytime the lecturer speaks in front of the class. But its weird cause I sleep quite early. Maybe its the restlessness while I sleep that gets me.

I am always always always sleepy at my 2pm-4pm classes and it is not good cause those classes are usually calculus. So far, my favorite class is C++ programming ^.^ I love my programming lecturer. She's always understanding of us students struggles.

But most of the time, my soul barely attaches itself to my physical body.

Dunno la how I'm going to survive five months of this. T.T

I'm just that lazy.

This week started out quite bad. :(

As it is a new semester, us students were moved into new classes and I was so hoping that I'd be reunited with my fellow Fresnorians.

It turned out that I shared a class with Aya, who had to endure me last semester haha haha fhl.

I was quite disappointed la because I didn't know most of the people in the class and the ones I do know, I rarely talk to. I could feel my heart sinking lower and lower as my eyes scanned to the end of the list.

It ruined my mood for the whole orientation we had that day!

The next day after that was the first day of class. I woke up at 8am and since I had time to spare, chilled and laser for an hour before getting up and doing anything productive.

When I was done getting ready at around 8.30am, I decided to laze around some more. That's when I got a text from Aya asking me where I was. "Hmmm,  quite odd to ask me that.." so I checked my timetable again and I saw Idaho as the class name.... and my class name was Georgia. Oh shut, I got took the wrong timetable!

Such bad luck la to be 2 hours late for the first day of class! I ended up missing one class and was half an hour late for another.

Uggggggh!

Whyyyyyyy


And this week I had my first  Calculus 2 class and I'm not sure I can do this. I miss Ms Tia, my Calculus 1 lecturer. She was sooo good! She takes her time explaining concepts to her students and I totally get what she's teaching.

In Cal 2, suddenly there were hyperbolic functions which I had never before seen or heard before. Cosh? Sinh?

What is that???

I am actually procrastinating right now. I'm supposed to be doing my Calculus 2 tutorial but I feel it's like walking around blind cause there's no answers to confirm whatever it is I'm doing.

So yeah... no mood to do anything today. It's a Saturday and I'm supposed to chill, right.

*deluded

Oh and my phone is not zaman mesolitik anymore! I changed it to a ZenFone 2 which is really a great phone with a good budget. The screen is as big as the palm of my hand!

I think I don't mind spending a little more money for a phone cause I use my phones as long as possible. My last phone lasted 4 years and it's actually still functioning as long as I don't do too many things at a time. I cringe when I hear people changing their phones every year or so but that's their prerogative.

Ahhh I love my phone so much *dreamy eyes

June 2015

Hey guys!

It is the end of June 2015 already (I've said it, and I'll say it again: TIME FLIES SOOO FAST!) and I can't believe it.

This month has been an amazing month for me because I had so much fun. It is summer semester and since I didn't repeat any subjects, it was basically a breeze for me. If you were in INTEC ADFP, summer semester is "the" semester for you to go out and have fun because people are leaving and you are going to want to maximize your memories with them.

One of the things I did was go to SUNWAY LAGOON!!

And it was super duper amazing! Hands down the highlight of ADFP. I have been wanting to go to Sunway Lagoon ever since I could remember. I always thought that an arificial water park, especially one as hyped up as Sunway Lagoon, must be awesome, right?

I'll tell you, it was great. *drool

I told my classmates it was my dream to go to Sunway Lagoon when we were in our Fall (first) semester but everything was just so hectic that we only found the time to go in the Summer (third semester)

We went there quite late, around 10.30am and there were a lot of people cause there was a function at that time. But w stayed till the park clothes and tak puas la! I wish they opened at mabe 7am and closed at night time.

The price made me bite my tongue (The total came to be so expensive :/)but it was so worth it. I'd go there again if someone would bring me. *hint hint

My favorite ride there is the Vuvuzella, which is this waer ride where you get on a float with four other people and go down this crazy long tube and come out into a bowl kind of thing where inertia just tries its best to make you scream and then you go down another chute and out of the ride.

Isn't that just a spectacular ride?

However, there were some *ahem* moments when I wasn't feeling so hot. There was this one ride where you had to spin a wheel in the middle and the faster you spun, the faster your ride would go. Well, I got on the ride with two other guys and they're really strong, and they got really excited with the ride and they spun th wheel crazy fast. After the ride, I was K.O and had to miss two rides after that.

What got me out of my drunken state was the ghost house which was actually fun even though I am terrified of ghost houses.

Another thing that happened this month was ATUSA night which I have blogged about. 

This is us.

This night made me cherish the friendship I made in less than a year. What would I do without them!!? We also had a small farewell for the people who are flying off to the U.S soon *tearful and I miss them so much already, especially Qid. Qid is one of the friends that always looks out for me and treats me like a little sister, which is so kind of her. She also always tries always include me in things like outings and group stuff. Ahhhh! Writing about people makes me miss them moreeeee!

Ok, stop doing that now.

And another big thing I did this month was a community service. Just to say honestly, this community service wasn't really voluntary because it is mandatory for all students in my school. But, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

My group did ours a bit longer than the others. Where the other groups did their community service from maybe 8am-12pm, my group did it from the ungodly hours of 7am to 8pm. And! We all woke up at 5am which is the most ridiculous time to wake up and get up and running.

As our community service, my group took orphans from the ages of 4-7 to a day out at Petrosains at KLCC. And oh, they were soooooo cute and tiny! On the way to KLCC, my kid kept asking me if we were there yet which is what I used to do to my mum and dad hahaha! In the end, I gave her my phone so she could watch videos on YouTube. Which was another thing. None of the others dared to let the kids play with their phone cause all their phones were so expensive, but since my phone was bought and designed pada zaman mesolitik, it was okay. If my constant dropping of the phone in the past 4 years couldn't break it, it is indestructable.

But my kid also threw a lot of tantrums. Like at the bus, she lay on the floor and I refused to baby her if she was a brat so I just let her cry there. #asian That is what I'm supposed to do right??? In the end, she gave up and asked me for chocolates and after that, she fell asleep. *raise fist

I got to be a big sister for a day. :D  Little Brother is not so little anymore for me to baby him.

So that is what I did for June 2015!! There is actually so much more but those were just the highlights cause I am too lazy to write down every single thing. And! I am making it my mid-year resolution to blog more because I feel like life is passing by way too fast and blogging is a great way for me to slow down and enjoy it to its fullest. Cause when I blog I remember little details and notice things that normally I wouldn't notice.

Sigh...

I hope next semester would turn out to be awesome as well. There are going to be new classmates and new lecturers and new juniors and I would be a senior *gasp

And it would be my unofficial first year of degree in engineering. And I have already made peace with my future as an engineer... Its not gonna be so bad is it?

Anyways, see you again guys.

What Happened On Tuesday

It was ATUSA night on tuesday!

It was a nice night because all the Fresnorians are there. (Fresno is my class name)

The venue was very very niceeeee. There were these lights on the ceiling that changed into different pretty colours.

And! There was this AMAZING chicken they served as the main course. It was so soft and flavourful *salivate

And! There was this photo booth that you can take photos with on the spot and the best thing was, it was free! Unlimited photos weh, printed and everything. The downside was that the line was super long so I only got to take a picture with Faidah, my crazily gorgeous classmate.

Pics!

Class rep and Zizi

My God, I really need to get a camera. Look at all the pixels these pictures have! And I totally regret not taking enough pictures. After thinking about it, I have no pictures with the boys in my class. :(

Ah well. I'll have to take this case to daddy and mommy.

Another thing happened during the dinner.

The committee asked each class to make a video to be shown during the dinner. So, Aya and Faris represented my class to make a video. But! It was also a surprise for the class because Aya and Faris were so mysterious about it. So, of course la, we were super duper excited to watch the video!

Then, during the dinner, we waited and waited and waited. And guess what? No video *bangs table

What is this!?

We were all disappointed... mostly because there was this band (it was named after a month or whatever) and they played so many songs, and I felt like it was unnecessary. Can't they take 3 and a half minute off to show a little video.

So, when they announced that the last bus back to our hostel was waiting, and that we needed to clear out the ballroom, we were already on our way out. But, we kinda lingered there a bit haha. And when the ballroom was half empty and everyone was scattered, our video played.

And us Fresnorians were right there standing in front of the screen being so syok sendiri, looking at our own video haha. I guess there is a good side to all this. It was just us there together, with almost no one else watching, I guess it made the experience more special to us, well at least to me.

After the video, we went outside to the rooftop garden and held our Secret Santa exchange!! A few weeks ago, Qid suggested that we do a Secret Santa. so that was what we did!

I thought that it was really sweet ho much thought everyone had put into each gift. It was so much fun to see everyone give their gifts and receivng there gifts. There were some people yang setan sikit hahahaha but its ok. My Santa was Umar and he forgot my present in his car =.= hahaha. So I got my present a day later than everyone else.

But after everyone had their gift, he said it was unfair that I didn't know what my gift was so he gave me a jubah which translated to English, is a robe.

This is a cool robe.

Anyway,a jubah is related to Arabic culture and Muslims. Although I am not Arabic or Muslim, I think its still pretty fashionable weh.

So I have been wanting one since the beginning of the year.

When he told me he got me a robe, I was stunned. When everyone turned and made their way to the ballroom, I started to cry. I know I know... so annoying. Its not even silent tears, its the gasping ugly kind.

Saiful saw me and I think he started panicking so I got myself together.

"Crystal??? Why are you crying??"

I'm *sobbbbb* so touched... *sob*" I said rather uglily.

Lol.

Fresnomen and Fresnoritas

When we went back, I was tired, and I was happy, but I was sad at the same time.

I felt like we are going to forget each other someday, and I know that we say our friendship will never end but I'm scared one day, I'll be the only one hanging on when everybody else has let go. Yeah, there's a fear of abandonment there.

Even right now, my heart feels a pang when they said they have moved on. I'm like, DON'T JOKE ABOUT THIS THINGS KNOCK ON WOOD wtf haha.

There will probably be a day when I won't want to talk to them, or they won't want to talk to me. Someday, we will just drift apart and I will have a new set of friends who I will be close to.

Haih, so drama.

I'm so sad that the holiday is over and I have to go away again. And its even sadder to realise that its gonna feel like this for a long time.

The only time when I will truly live and stay in Sabah is when I finish studying and get a job and even then I'm not even sure if I'll work at Sabah.

I know that a lot of people promised themselves to go far far away but Sabah is so beautiful. And it feels like home and I love that feeling.

The air is different at home. The smell is different. The way I talk is different.

I'm not ready to fly halfway across the world!! I don't want to leave.

But its great that I feel like this isn't it? It means that I've had happy moments. Happy enough to make me feel sad.

I don't want to face reality. I don't want to do assignments. Sigh... But I kinda have to. Such is the life of a beast of burden. My heart feels heavy. And my shoulders feel heavy.

I should really do those assignments though haha. Ah! There's so many!!

Drowning Fly

I was having lunch with my family this morning and when we were done eating, I noticed a fly in my aunt's plate.

It was so happily doing dunno what.

After a few minutes I saw the fly drowning in a puddle of soup.

And I was like O.o so kesian!

I have always thought that nice people are cool and that people who are nice to their admirers are cool.

And I have always been afraid to like someone just in case they might laugh at me for it.

I was in my Advanced Composition class last Thursday and we were (for some unknown reason) discussing about crushes and crush-ee.

And this dude in class was talking about someone who admired him. He and his friends basically said that she is a really creepy stalker who wasn't even that pretty.

And I think that's pretty messed up. Although, I am a hypocrite because I have thought that way about some people in the past.

I feel disgusted with myself after that class and I feel disgusted with the boys in much class too.

One of the most recurring thoughts I have once I started college is that gentlemen are rare and if someone would just offer his seat or keep the door open I would be pretty surprised. Although I guess there are one or two kind gentlemen in my class.

One time, a guy complimented my glasses and offered to help me buy food haha.

One of the things I hate the most is when we are supposed to arrange the chairs and tables in class and some people are basically just sitting their doing nothing and criticising! Ugh! That is so annoying!

Okay; I digress. Back to the discussion.

Yeah I was pretty horrified. A person is putting their heart in your hand and you are being careless with it!

And my lecturer was saying how she hopes her son would never go through the same thing. But I disagree. Wouldn't she want her son to be loved?

I would never want my son to be say such bad things and laugh about a person who likes him.

I am trying to be kinder and it is hard when you're not used to it. But its things like this that makes my blood boil and gives me determination to be better.

I'm Going To Be Happy

Ahhhh its been a good day! All I did all day long was eat, sleep, and watch tv shows. And then I did some calculus around midnight.

Luxurious or not?

I've been kinda -what's the word...- tense recently. I felt like I'm slipping in my studies and for a scholar, that screams red lights. Dangerous!

I was losing my mind and that made me even more all over the place. But now I know to relax and just take a deep breath and take things one step at a time.

My sanity is a reciprocal because the limit does not exist. Hehe geddit geddit? No? Okay....

So just breath and put one foot in front of the other, right? Sounds easy enough.

I want to just be excited in life again. I mean, I've been bitter and sad lately and I think that's just a no good state of mind to be in. At first, being miserable felt good but then I realised that that gets old after a while. I grew tired of that gloomy brooding aura.

So I'm gonna be happy. :D

I'm gonna be happy and think as many happy and good thoughts. And since its Lent, its the perfect time to reinvent ourselves for the better.

I'm going back to basics. If you want to be happy, be. There shouldn't be anything else in that equation. Happy equals happy.

I've been worried at how I am perceived. Do people think I'm weird? Do people think I'm stupid? And I realised that's such silly thoughts. People actually think of you much less than you think. I forgot that.

I want to be kinder and make others be happy too. And I want to surround myself with good, positive and happy people.

I once knew a person who was very kind. She was average as far as looks go, but my oh my, her heart shone. I wanted to be around her more and more.

I want to be like that.

And I also want to stop cursing heheeee. I've been saying foul things far too much, its disgusting.

Just A Lil Update

Ok semangat wanna update blog even though I am DROWNING in piles of work! First and foremost, I would like to announce that I hate Twitter.

My lecturer is doing this thing where her students have to post a response of a reading by using tweet. I was like, "Oh duck!" cause I did not have an account and I knew it was gonna get addicting really quickly.

But what to do, just make la and cross my fingers that I have enough self control to use it strictly for education.

Yesterday, I found out that I had no trouble with self control because Twitter sucks imho. I fail to see what's so addicting and great about it. In fact, I feel annoyed by it. I mean, isn't it a little presumptious to think that people are actually interested in every single thought you can fit into 140 characters?

*ahem* This blog doesn't count hoho. *presumptious AND hypocritical hehe

One of the things that I'm annoyed at is that my tweet didn't even come up the hashtag search thingy! Meaning, my lecturer didn't even see the tweet! Meaning my quota was used up in vain. T.T

Life, why are you like this?

I also pulled my first all nighter to finish up my lab report. I stayed up till 5 am and slept till 6am which is an UNGODLY HOUR TO WAKE UP but yeah, I did it. I left the house at 7am to arrive at school at 7.20 simply because I am terrified of my chemistry lecturer. She's scary... So scary that I have nightmares of arriving late to her class which starts at 8am lol. Just give me an A already!

Every week feels so dizzying and theres so much stuff to do! I finish classes with exhaustion and slept through my 2 hour break with sleep. My favorite part of every day is when there is no class.

Then again, I bet everyone else feels the same way too.

I think I'm eating more these days as well. I am never hungry but I eat a lot. Such logic, I know. But I have been eating to make excuses to procrastinate, which I SHOULD NOT DO because there is never enough hours in a day.

And tomorrow I have a calculus quiz and an engineering test and it is already 2:18am! *screamsqueal

Pressure

So, if you didn't know, I am (hopefully) going to study in the States.

I can either go this year on August or next year. Most people would say go this year la, why waste a year in Malaysia when you can have fun in the States?

And that is where I am different from my batchmates... I have been setting my sights on America next year.

But you know what, pressure is really getting to me and I am so so scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to go. And I'm scared of the humiliation. Not just my humiliation, my parents' as well.

And they are saying that I have to go no matter what. T.T

People are asking me when I'm flying off and its already embarassing to say 2016, it would be even more embarassing to say that I didn't meet all the requirements like a 3.5 CGPA, 1400 in SAT, a whopping 100 out of 120 in TOEFL. Then theres that fear that no top 50 university in the US would accept me.

People say, "Oh at least you tried compared to other people who are sitting on their bums doing nothing."
But saying things like that is just an excuse. An excuse to comfort myself and sugarcoat the fact that maybe I'm just not good enough.

And the pressure of flying and requirement fulfilling is making me insane. I mean, I got 18/20 for a Calculus test and I cried because it wasn't 20/20.

I cry because of the stupidest reasons la honestly. Who cries while watching a happy advertisement?? Me.

Then theres the pressure of the whole country because I am basically being paid to study and I so so so badly want to do a good job at it.

Nothing worth it is ever easy.

What have I gotten myself into?

The Loneliest Wolf

I have been thinking lately... am I lonely?

Its such a sad question and the answer must be yes if the question even came to mind. I guess yeah, I am lonely.

I realized that at the end of the day, there is nobody that I could talk to about my day. If I was having a bad time, there is nobody at all that I could complain to that about. And I think that's really really pathetic haha.

So I dunno la what's the conclusion of this sad sad post. I don't think I've always been like this. I think there was once a time when I had a best friend to talk to. I always mess up the best friendships, either by being a total b**** or by losing contact with my best friends. I have met so little good people and I guess they really set up the standard on people I like to hang out with.

But I guess, life as a lone wolf isn't so bad. I got time to 9gag, which is awesome. Nobody bothers me with their self inflicted psychological distress.

Oh! By the way, I feel like I am having self inflicted psychological distress!

I am in a group with some other classmates for a project and one of my other classmate told me that I seemed bossy. And now, I'm mentally bashing my head against the wall because being seen as bossy is so embarassing for me. And for some other reason, I seem to butt heads with people a lot lately and I think the best solution is to just keep my lips zipped.

I don't know why I'm so bothered with loneliness. I guess maybe I just want someone to tell me about their day and I want to tell someone about my day and we can both sympathize with each other and then laugh about something stupid we did.

I hear so much about my classmates having their friends over to visit, and I am so so envious at them. I don't have friends close enough, in distance and in friendship, that would come over and spend time with me.

At this point, if someone were to pay any interest in being a friend for more than a day to me, I'd be just desperate enough for friendship that I'd take it. If someone were to ask me how I'm feeling, I'd probably gush out a river of complaints and emotions.

Maybe all this is because I think that people will judge me if I show how I really am, and my default setting is weird. I wish I can watch a season of Glee and embrace my weirdness but its hard to embrace it when letting it out will make me a pariah.

But then again, I am already a pariah. *draw circles in the corner