Last night was Thanksgiving.

For this very special day, I decided to watch Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them. However, I really thought that it was kinda boring. I fell asleep towards the end. There wasn't any of the super magical feeling that the other Harry Potter movies had. Or maybe I just have a very bad case of adultitis, I don't know.

What I really enjoyed was that the cinema hall was almost empty! There was no one there and I could pretend that I was super rich and had my own personal cinema in my home heheh.

After the movie, we rushed to Kroger because we needed to bake brownies to bring to the MASA (that's the Malaysian Organisation at OSU) Friendsgiving dinner. And by the time we arrived back home we only had an hour left to bake them FOL.

So we were a bit late.

We arrived at the place half an hour late but we still had food, which is the most important thing. But me being me, I hate crowded places so I went outside to eat.

It was 3 degrees celcius.

I ate with shaking hands and shaking legs but me being me again, I only took finger foods cause I hate food that is messy to eat like spaghetti and turkey. I only had bread and some pudding.

But I actuallybreally enjoyed the Friendsgiving. It was a chance for me to hang out with friends that I haven't been seeing. So yeah, it was nice. We only stayed for like, an hour though haha.

Yesterday I experienced my first snow!!!!!

And today was my first day working at my job and it was sooo great to know that I was trading some of my time for money.

Today is yet another game day at OSU and on this eventful day, my housemates and I decided to go out to eat at this amazing asian food place called Joy's.

And to get there, we had to walk for about 15 minutes and since it was game day, it was happening.

So we were walking and in the distance, this guy was shouting O-H to everyone passing by.

Let me explain, in OSU, there is this thing we do that when someone shouts O-H to you, you shout I-O back. And together, you spell OHIO.

Hahaha I know.

So far, I have gone by without ever having to yell I-O back. And I thought it was so embarassing!

So when this guy was walking down the street in our direction, saying O-H to everyone, I was thinking "NO DON'T DO THIS TO ME"

And of course he did and I said I-O back.

I didn't die la thank God.

Song Joong Ki Was In My Dream!!

I had a wonderful dream last night! It was so wonderful that I refused to wake up to study for my calculus and organic chemistry quiz that was going to happen 3 hours later.

It was so wonderful cause Song Joong Ki was in it and he was in love with me lol.

Somehow it made so much sense as I was dreaming it and now it feels so disconnected and vague. What I remember was:

1. Song Joong Ki was in a parallel universe on a mission and the only way we could contact was if I was dreaming.

2. Nobody could know that I could contact Song Joong Ki.
     2.5 But someone (my best friend) did find out, and she was freaking out and I dramatically cut off my friendship with her.

3. Song Joong Ki's right hand man in my dream was Seo Dae Young.

Ya, that's all sadly. But I remember that it was so awesome!!!

My alarm totally ruined the whole thing.

Being Mature

When I see other Malaysian overseas students, more often than not, they will be the very assertive, dominant, mature, and confident types. These types are usually seniors, and... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN RIGHT???

They're very serious and businesslike...

and then there's me. I am childish and fun (if I do say so myself) and I still refer to multiple choice questions as ABC questions. My favorite food are potatoes and my favorite coffee is white chocolate. I watch Pokemon Indigo and chick flicks that shrivel up my brain. I laugh wayyyyy too loudly and I talk about meaningless things like how I want Song Joong Ki to be my oppa.

Don't you?

I still feel like a 17 year old!!!

And its so frustrating to be so childlike and 'cute' (konon la) and small when you're an engineering student because I feel like people look down on me. And I know these are silly stupid thoughts cause people probably are not even thinking about me as much as I think they do so...

On to another topic!

I wanna go shopping so so so so badlyyyyy but I am sooooo broke!! I am going on a trip for the whole winter break and its gonna cost 700$. 700$ right now is almost RM 3000 I shit you not, I am crazy to spend so much on one trip.

Its just that I don't wanna regret not making memories and having experiences while I am in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! I am only 20 once, and the next time I'm gonna be here I am probably gonna be bringing children and family and I am going to be old and serious and assertive and dominant and all those other mature people stuff. Maybe.

But right now, I am young and insecure and carefree and I feel so me that I want to experience all I can as me right now. Cause I think I'm pretty fun if I do say so myself.

Haritu we went to Park of Roses and we saw roses. Oh ya! I also dyed my hair back to black and I loveeee it! Its not as dark as my original hair colour so I don't feel like a total nerd.

The weather is getting really cold nowadays with temperature as low as 3 degrees celcius. Its my first time experiencing this kind of cold and I hate it and love it at the same time.  The cold isn't as bad as it sounds, but its still shocking to go out and walk to class in the cold.

Despite it being cold, I am determined to lose weight and look good for my trip during my winter break! These cheeks and all other jiggly parts have to go! Stomach, thighs, cheeks, arms all have to tone up wuhahhaha.

But then every day I eat chocolate T.T   Its ok! Baby steps!

When am I going to be happy?

I feel so unhappy all the time.

Its A Learning Process

Ever since I started college and university, I noticed that I started to grow. For one thing, I don't get homesick anymore. I can go to the bank by myself. I can cook my own food. I find my way around public transportation.

You know, little things. And this growing up thing is happening without me noticing unless I really slow down, stop, and take a good look at me being 20 years old.

Oh, let me digress. I turned 20 last Tuesday! My birthday was a simple affair, and this time, I am determined not to get pissed off at the people who forgot. I spent my birthday morning chilling at Thompson Library and it was GOOD. The library is the best place in any part of the world. The world gets quiet and its just you and a book.

One of the things I changed my perspective about is the way I look at failure. I used to think that failing at something was the worst thing ever and I would always have this ache in my heart whenever I don't excel in my studies. I remember crying after bad tests during high school and studying my brain cells away after school. But I was so harsh on myself. I used to write "Idiot" and "Stupid" at every wrong answer in red ink.

But now, I don't mind failing anymore and if I don't do well on an exam or quiz, I would think it's a learning process. Every single mistake I make would be an opportunity to learn and I look at my mistakes as me getting better after each mistake.

And I love that kind of mindset. I guess being in a non-competitive college really helps. There is no Dean's List, there's no ranking, there's no smart or top class. There is just you, your friends, and the knowledge.

Haha, you become the best pun it doesn't matter cause nobody would know or care anyway.

Oooooh, I remember during pre-cal, I got a 33 out of 65, which is a fail and I was sooooo upset.

But then after two years, I repeated a subject and I didn't really care pun. And I have failed so many tests and quizzes, you don't even know. Its a learning process.

A Good Way To Spend Time

This week has been a rainy week in Columbus, Ohio and I have been caught in the rain every single day. For some reason, I can't find my umbrella that I bought for 5$.

Fall has officially started according to the earth's position in the orbital and IT IS COLD! But I really like this coldness cause I can use this as an excuse to go shopping for fall and winter clothing. EVENTHOUGH I DAH SPENT A LOT!

This week I went out quite a lot.

Last Friday, I went out to Jeni's Ice-cream which is said to be AMAZING but I thought it was just okay.

Then last Sunday, I went walking at Olentangy Trail. Americans really likes to do outdoor stuff like lay outside, go out on walks, suntanning. In Malaysia, everyone would be indoors in their air-conditioned rooms.

Then on Friday, I watched a movie, but I slept in the middle of it until the end.

And yesterday I went to a park to look at flowers!

But most of the time, I just want to curl up with a good book and forget the world exists.

I just think resting and healing from all the shit that accumulates throughout the week is the best and I can't do that when I'm with people. With people, I feel like I need to put on a front to look normal and be charming and be social.

Why am I like this.

I miss the people who I can be totally myself with and not put on a front to. I miss my family and I miss the friends I don't get to spend time with. I miss home and I miss being comfortable and I miss not being pressured to tip.

I miss INTEC and how I actually liked going out on weekends with Sabrina, Rowina, and Carlin. Those times were good times!!

I used to go shopping almost every weekend at Sunway Pyramid, or Midvalley, or Berjaya Times Square and there were cell group meetings where we had REALLY good food and good fun. And when I go to school, there would always be someone to talk to and hang out with and everyone knew everyone.

I guess I miss the familiarity of it all.

Mami and Dadi, maafkanlah anak anda yang memboros ini :'(

Okay I'm upset.

These past few weeks in America made me realise a startling fact about myself: I am so damn talentless. I'm mediocre in every single aspect of my life.

Ok la, I know that its not a very legit reason to be as upset as I am right now, but after 2 decades to hone some sort of skill, you'd think I am able to do something amazingly. And yet here I am, just drifting by life and only getting by.

In Malaysia, I guess what stood out about me was that I spoke English really well but here, everyone speaks English so much better than I do. WHO AM I ANYMORE?!

I now also realize how boring I am. I never explore. I never have anything interesting to say. I'm not opinionated. I don't even have a good life story to tell. Kill me now. T.T Its like my life is just a gray space occasionally embellished with a few good moments.

Sigh, I don't even know why I care so much. I guess theres more to this upsetness than just being talentless and boring. Its also about me being in a perpetual slump.

I don't want to be an engineer. Its not me. Its not what I'm interested in. I get jealous every time someone says they have an interesting class and they love the lectures and its awesome for them, because I will probably never feel that way about what I'm doing. Waking up in the morning is never fun, and I am almost never happy going to class. Studying is always a chore and I want to just choke myself every time I have to do a calculus question.

 At the same time, I want to continue being an engineering student and I want to someday become an engineer purely by the fact that I have invested too much time and money into this curse. And I am afraid to back out because what if I choose to major in something else and it turns out I hate that the same and it turns out that its just my perangai yang pemalas, and I just generally don't like studying. What if?

And what if I can't pick myself up after backing out from this. I'd have to go through all this from the beginning and get left behind and while everyone is working, I'd be doing my first year of degree hahaha fml.

And I'm scared that the whole 'Follow Your Dreams' thing is a scam and that actually, we shouldn't follow our dreams because the dream doesn't make money.

But then if I make a lot of money pun... so what? I don't really care about that. But that's easy for me to say cause I get money handed to me every month by a scholarship and I have never been in lack of money before. My family has never struggled financially (at least, I don't see it) and money is always a phone call away in case of emergencies.

But worst of all, the dream doesn't actually bring happiness.

But I hate it... and it sucks that I can't do anything about it. Someone asked me what I wanted to be if not an engineer, and I though... Housewife lol.

Anyway, I shouldn't be ranting about such a first world problem. "I hate having a free education boohoo!"

I should count my blessings before it gets taken away. Next post will be a more positive one, I promise. :)

America Thus Far

I did it! I have arrived in America and I feel...

SO OVERWHELMED!

I mean, that should be a very predictable feeling but I feel so clueless. But I'll take one thing at a time and put one foot in front of the other very slowly.

So today I shall write about... the plane ride!

I left Malaysia on the 12th of August 2016, and arrived in Columbus, Ohio on the 13th of August, So I saw this on my ticket and was like, "Oh okay, I'll travel 24 hours."

I TRAVELLED 2 DAYS. Somehow, it didn't occur to me to think about the time difference and think about the transits stops in between. It was:

14 hours to London, Heathrow.
5 hours stop and rest.
9 hours-ish to Chicago.
5 hours rest.
1.5 hour to Ohio.

It was an experience I do not wish to re-experience. *shudders

I think through this experience, I have discovered a critical aspect of myself which is that I hate travelling. I see now why my dad never brought my family overseas. Its a nightmare. Sitting in a cramped space for 14 hours is not fun, especially when you have to wake your the person in the seat next to you every time you have to use the toilet. And! It was even more awkward when said neighbor is sleeping.

Landing in London, I thought wow, everything is pretty. The sky is bluer and the clouds are fluffier. It was 14 degrees celcius and they air was crisp. But even that I can't enjoy because there was the whole security check to go through.

Which reminds me. There are so many security checks to go through and each one is even more thorough than the ones before. I was prepared for them to open my bags but I didn't get any inspection at all. I did see some other people get their bags opened because they had spices in their carry on luggage and I even saw some people kena tahan for no reason.

But I got through just fine!

So after all the travelling and transitting, I landed in Columbus and.... my bag didn't come out. I was waiting up until the moving belt thing stopped. Huhuhuhu that was stressful.

Our seniors were waiting there for us and their president told me to report it missing and have them deliver it to my doorstep.

Sure enough, I got my bag the next day yay! The seniors who picked us up were VERY NICE although they seemed a bit stressed out. But that's understandable because it was midnight and they had to pick up 70 students over the course of 2 days.

Then I stepped foot on American soil for the first time. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

The Stupidest Lie I Have Ever Believed

When I was 8 years old, I had this friend. Let's call her Ursula cause she was manipulative and evil.

She was mean but she was my friend wtf.


There was this one time, she didn't approve of me being friends with this other girl, and she turned our whole gang against me.

Anyways, here's the story.

We were in class, and she asked me, "Can you give me RM2?"

My dad only gives me RM3 a day and I needed the money to buy food during recess so I said, "Go ask someone else."

Then she begins to tell me this whole elaborate story about how her mother died, and her father married a woman who had two daughters. Her stepsisters were mean to her and they would always steal her shoes and the mother was ugly with a lazy eye.

Sometimes, her stepsisters won't even let her inside the house. And I remember that I was so moved by her predicament that I LENT her RM2.

What.The.Hell.

And she never gave me back the money.

Letter to myself

I feel like my days are just an endless stream of being worried. I'm worried about my vaccinations. I'm worried about my class registration. I'm worried how I will be handling my money in the U.S. I'm worried about packing.

How do you stop being worried???

In the back of my head, I know that I don't need to be worried. That my worries will sort themselves out. But there's an eviler voice saying, "What if it doesn't?".

WHAT IF IT DOESN'T?!

I am consoled though, by the fact that I felt the exact same thing before I went to study at INTEC.

"This is so complicated."

"I wanna stay home."

"I don't know what I'm doing."

And all those nasty thoughts you get before embarking on a new adventure away from home. So I'm going to write a letter to my 17 year old self.

Dear Crystal,

You're only 17. So young and naive and still a fan of EXO. Well this is (almost) 20 year old you so listen up because I have so much wisdom to impart.

Right now, you're probably struggling to matikan the stamps on your perjanjian, and filling out a billion forms and getting your certificates certified and doing the complicated and expensive medical check up.

For University Malaya.

And all your efforts will be for naught because the night before you're registering in UM, you get an offer to go to America!!

Yay! And after an hour of deciding in the hotel, you decide to take it.

Good choice! But so begins more endless forms and procedures. While doing all that, you will feel like shit.

You're gonna feel insecure and helpless and worried. So worried. Mostly worried about how people are going to treat you there because you think that everyone out of that island of yours is mean and scary. Well, they're not. Some of them will get under your skin, but 99% of then will be kind to you. In fact, its the people from this little island la yang hurt you.

Don't worry about everything being so foreign because soon, that place will be like home to you. You meet these really awesome people and you make some really lasting memories. Some of these people, you call family. After half a year, you don't even want to go back to Sabah.

You will love. Maybe, not in the way you want, but looking back, you loved in all the right ways. Don't think about boys and relationships too much cause it wasted SO MUCH of your time. But you will anyway.

Well, my point is, don't worry because everything will be fine. Even some of the documents that you so painstakingly prepared will be rejected by your sponsor and you will prepare new ones by 2 hours in Shah Alam wtf.

PS : You won't need to buy a pail.
PPS : Don't lock yourself out of your room on your first night there.

Love, almost 20 yr old Crystal.

Yesterday, I had been to 8 different hospitals and clinics to get my vaccinations for OSU done and NONE of them could do it which I think is the most ridiculous thing in the world!

Isn't healthcare supposed to be available to everyone?

I mean, why why whyyyyy? I guess they wanna wait till people really get sick to treat them. Come on la just give me my tetanus, MMR, Varicella, and Hep B vaccines. Takkan la mau tunggu mau Mari baru mau masuk hospital.

Ughhh!!

I Fail

I failed as a Christian.

I was at the gym just now and my mother whatsapped me.

Mother : Did you go to church?
Me.        : For what?
Mother : Ash Wednesday.

I didn't even know it was Ash Wednesday! Dahlah I haven't been to church for how many weeks already...

I feel quite guilty.

No not just quite. VERY guilty.

I don't even go to a Catholic church, but an Anglican one because its easier. I know I know. It doesn't matter as long as your heart is in the right place.

But if that is so, why is my heart so heavy?

I want to go back to a Catholic church. I want to attend a mass that has been so ingrained in my head I can probably do it in my sleep.

I mean, Anglican churches are great and fun but its not the way I was brought up. I will forever be a Catholic and I don't think anything can change that.

But going to the nearest church from my place costs RM20 per trip which is ridiculous hmph and its never safe to travel alone these days. How ah. How ah...

Maybe a sacrifice I have to make.

Happy Chinese New Year!

These past 2 years, there were a lot of firsts for me. First time on an airplane. First time is Perak. First time studying Calculus 2.

Then there are a lot of lasts as well. Last time celebrating my birthday with my family. Last time celebrating CNY in Malaysia. Last time studying Calculus 2, cause I had to repeat it. (hopefully the last time la. If not then FML) T.T

And I hope that its truly the last because if its not the last, it means that I won't be going to America and that suckkkkkkks. That's suckier than a spit to the eyeball. I would take a knee to the crotch if that would secure my passage to America. I would give RM 10,000. I would slap my best friend. I would make peace with my worst enemy.

What wouldn't I do?

I probably draw the line at giving away my first born wtf. Or murdering someone.

But I digress.

I dyed my hair again! And now its a lighter colour but I hope its going to darken a bit, I also recently discovered that my hair grows 1 mm in 3 days. meaning its 1 cm in a month. Meaning 12 cm in a year. Wowowow.

I am mildly upset also la. When I dyed my hair, the hairdresser quoted a price for my waist length hair. But then I also asked them to cut it off at the ends to make a nice U-shape and then... AND THEN!

THEY PROCEEDED TO CUT MY HAIR UP TO THE MIDDLE OF MY BACK!!!!!

I DON'T HAVE MERMAID HAIR ANYMOREEEEEEE T__________________________T

So ya, 1 year of keeping my hair all down the drain.

But wait there's more.

After she dyed it, she still charged the same price for the shorter hair hmphhhh. I don't like.

I Am Such An Idiot

Sometimes... no most of the time, I can't keep my mouth shut. I say things I shouldn't say and things that are hurtful and things that make me look stupider than I really am.

And I say things that makes people think differently than what I want them to think.

More often than not, I go to sleep thinking that I am an idiot. T.T

Its Not The Same

Katy Perry once said, "Comparisons are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection."

Its true its trueeeee!!

My favorite lipstick colour is no more. T.T

I have been using IN2IT's Moisture Intense Lipstick in Tangerine for the past two years and it's running low, so I went out to get a new tube.

But when I was in Watson's, there was no tangerine! No tangerine in other stores either. How can??

Tangerine is a natural orange colour that gives me colour without making me look like I put colour on. It looks like I woke up like this lol. Cause lately, I've been noticing that my lips are really pale and dead looking so a lippy is a must!

But how lor. There were only colours like roses and cognac and juice. 

And none of them were as naturally orange like tangerine! They're all pink or red. And the closest colour to tangerine was juice, so I got juice. But I also thought I could change to a pinker shade so I bought rose.

And FML la, they both pale in comparison to tangerine. Even juice looks pink.

So I guess I'm a pink girl now cause these lipsticks costs RM20 each and I am going to force myself to love them like I love my tangerine.

Pink for the next 5 years yay! But I'm going to go hunting for an orange lipstick anyway cause I can't move on cause I'm emotionally crippled.

I Remember

I think I have pretty good memory. I always do better in subjects like biology and history where you have to memories a lot of facts compared to physics or maths where you actually have to understand concepts whether you like it or not.

But the thing is, I memorize useless things and forget important ones.

Lyrics? Piece of cake!

Physics equations? No.

Facts that nobody cares about? It takes 8 minutes for the light from the sun to reach earth.

Facts I can use in exams? Potato.

I also remember some childhood memories but mostly the bad ones la when I got scolded by my dad T.T the pain is still raw wtf.

During kindergarten, Mommy would wake me up but usually I'm not so cooperative la. I would adamantly cling to my pillow or blanket and she would drag me to the bathroom for a bath.

And my family has never installed a heater EVER so every day before school since the age of 3, I have been showering in cold water in the morning.

So I hated getting ready la.

But back to the pillow and blanket...

I remember that my little hands would slowly weaken as we made the trip from bedroom to bathroom, and I would panic and try to inconspicuously adjust my grip.

Then the pillow and blanket would fall from my tiny hands and I would have to sea with the reality of having to go to school.

In hindsight, my mom was really patient dealing with an unwilling school-goer.

I love her. 😙

New year! New class!


Hello guys, Crystal here. Its been three weeks already since a new semester started and I think I'm doing quite well in classes.

I'm in yet another new class this semester. My class has 23 boys and 2 girls, one of which is me. Welcome to Engineering.

You'd think this is a dream come true for a girl but think again. It's quite lonely in class but it's an opportunity to learn better and have fewer distractions.

All the girls in my program are really good in Calculus apparently, and I'm repeating Calculus.

Most of all, I miss my friends. I almost never get to see them. And when I do, it is me who goes to their class.

I'm the worst relationship-maintainer there is! I don't text. I don't call. I don't talk to people if there isn't an occasion to. I suck at maintaining small talk. So I can see myself drifting apart from them sooner or later. Plus, I have an ego the size of the moon so I rarely initiate conversations.

Jeng jeng jeng.

I won't beg for attention and I won't cling or hold on. I'm just a bad friend like that.

Oh well.

Right now I'm getting all my university applications done and over with and I hope so badly that I'll get accepted into at least one of them.

Pleaseeeeeeee!

That's one of the most crucial part of my program. This is the only thing standing in the way between me and my dream.

Any university is fine. They're all great.

Why do I hurt people I love?

I should just stop talking altogether. I should not hang out with people. And I should keep things to myself. And I should definitely stop begging for people's attention.

Yep.

But other than that, I'm doing good.