Pressure

So, if you didn't know, I am (hopefully) going to study in the States.

I can either go this year on August or next year. Most people would say go this year la, why waste a year in Malaysia when you can have fun in the States?

And that is where I am different from my batchmates... I have been setting my sights on America next year.

But you know what, pressure is really getting to me and I am so so scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to go. And I'm scared of the humiliation. Not just my humiliation, my parents' as well.

And they are saying that I have to go no matter what. T.T

People are asking me when I'm flying off and its already embarassing to say 2016, it would be even more embarassing to say that I didn't meet all the requirements like a 3.5 CGPA, 1400 in SAT, a whopping 100 out of 120 in TOEFL. Then theres that fear that no top 50 university in the US would accept me.

People say, "Oh at least you tried compared to other people who are sitting on their bums doing nothing."
But saying things like that is just an excuse. An excuse to comfort myself and sugarcoat the fact that maybe I'm just not good enough.

And the pressure of flying and requirement fulfilling is making me insane. I mean, I got 18/20 for a Calculus test and I cried because it wasn't 20/20.

I cry because of the stupidest reasons la honestly. Who cries while watching a happy advertisement?? Me.

Then theres the pressure of the whole country because I am basically being paid to study and I so so so badly want to do a good job at it.

Nothing worth it is ever easy.

What have I gotten myself into?

The Loneliest Wolf

I have been thinking lately... am I lonely?

Its such a sad question and the answer must be yes if the question even came to mind. I guess yeah, I am lonely.

I realized that at the end of the day, there is nobody that I could talk to about my day. If I was having a bad time, there is nobody at all that I could complain to that about. And I think that's really really pathetic haha.

So I dunno la what's the conclusion of this sad sad post. I don't think I've always been like this. I think there was once a time when I had a best friend to talk to. I always mess up the best friendships, either by being a total b**** or by losing contact with my best friends. I have met so little good people and I guess they really set up the standard on people I like to hang out with.

But I guess, life as a lone wolf isn't so bad. I got time to 9gag, which is awesome. Nobody bothers me with their self inflicted psychological distress.

Oh! By the way, I feel like I am having self inflicted psychological distress!

I am in a group with some other classmates for a project and one of my other classmate told me that I seemed bossy. And now, I'm mentally bashing my head against the wall because being seen as bossy is so embarassing for me. And for some other reason, I seem to butt heads with people a lot lately and I think the best solution is to just keep my lips zipped.

I don't know why I'm so bothered with loneliness. I guess maybe I just want someone to tell me about their day and I want to tell someone about my day and we can both sympathize with each other and then laugh about something stupid we did.

I hear so much about my classmates having their friends over to visit, and I am so so envious at them. I don't have friends close enough, in distance and in friendship, that would come over and spend time with me.

At this point, if someone were to pay any interest in being a friend for more than a day to me, I'd be just desperate enough for friendship that I'd take it. If someone were to ask me how I'm feeling, I'd probably gush out a river of complaints and emotions.

Maybe all this is because I think that people will judge me if I show how I really am, and my default setting is weird. I wish I can watch a season of Glee and embrace my weirdness but its hard to embrace it when letting it out will make me a pariah.

But then again, I am already a pariah. *draw circles in the corner