Pent Up Anger

Yayyyy all my college and scholarship interviews are done! I had three interviews - JPA, MARA-JPA and UM. Should I write an experience blog?

The more that I think about it, I think I have made a grave mistake.

Eottohke?!

My mistake is letting other people tell me what to do. Back then, it seemed like a pretty good idea because I had no idea at all what I wanted to do with myself and I thought adults knew better than me anyway, so a huge part of my choices (like 50%) was all about other people's thoughts on what I need to be.

I don't have the passion for most of the things they tell me to do.

So, my advice to my juniors who are fresh out of school... DON'T LET ANYONE, NOT EVEN YOUR PARENTS, TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT. If you don't know what you, think about it until you do. Ask for advice but don't let people force you. Ask yourself, what do I desire? What Alan Watts said is true, if you really like doing something, you will eventually become a master at it and it doesn't matter what it is.

I should have just applied what I wanted!!!!! *sigh Now, looking in at my list of applied courses, it makes my heart heavy.

In fact, I'm starting to resent everyone who told me what I needed to do. And its not even a suggestion, its like an order. Said rudely to me some more haih.

Everyone (well almost everyone, mostly the aunties) is telling me, "Don't be stupid. You got 10As. Be this be that. What for become this and that. Eh, money is everything you know so don't need to put your passion and happiness into this decision. Trust me, I'm an aunty and I know everything."

And its just so frustrating!! Its me who is going to make this my whole life! Its me who is going through the stress! Hey aunty! Go tell your own children what to do  la!!! The worst thing is, they have been absent for most of your life and suddenly at this moment, they can tell you what's best for you.

I want to be what I am passionate about and what is going to make me happy. Money is numbers, and numbers will never end. The people who make their whole life working just for the sake of gaining money will never be satisfied.

I don't want to get money just to continue living a shitty life.

Lol, is my pent up anger showing? Well, that's cause I am angry.

Mostly angry at myself for not standing up for myself in the first place. They told, and I listened so that makes me equally, if not more, or even if not entirely at fault in this situation. 

So when the time comes, I will have to decide. If I were offered a scholarship or accepted into a course in something I don't want, will I take it? Maybe a miracle will happen.

Crappy Week So Far

Days go by really so when you're NOT having fun, at all!

I hate marching. Hate it hate it hate it mega ultra hate it!!! I go to sleep thinking about how horrible the next day is going to be and trying to assure myself that its only bad in my head.

And really, its actually worse in my head but I still wish that I'm not being a robot and having someone else tell me what to do. I hate when people tell me what to do....

And the stupid thing is that I've only been at it for 3 days hua hua. =.= And already I'm ready to die ha! This just shows how very much I do not like the sun, orders, mud, movement, and any sort of tiring activity. At least, the physical sort.

I'd rather go to 5 weeks of classes than do this!

Okay, sudden change of topic. I've just watched The Social Network just now!

It was a really nice movie and and and and aaaaaand! Jesse Eisenberg was in it!

He looks so different from the movie, Now You See Me (my fave movie in my life).

From mediocre...



To not mediocre!

Speaking of Jesse Eisenberg, his movie, Now You See Me is mindblowing!

Its amazing! Seriously, everyone should watch it cause the feeling of awe I got when I watched it should be felt by everybody too.

I want to faster buy the Bluray so I can watch it over and over again in its full HD glory.

And get my daily dose of Jesse Eisenberg and Dave Franco.

Oh yeah, Dave Franco is a more good looking, younger version of James Franco. I grew so attched to his character, Jack Wilder in the movie that I tried to learn to throw cards and have them cut a banana in half. Sigh, but alas, I can't, yet.

Well, tomorrow's the day of my marching competition and while most of my freinds are going for a seminar which I (regretfully) passed, I'll be crying on the inside. Ah well, at least this will show that the crappy club president (me) isn't 100% crappy after all.

Aiya, its already 10.30pm. I should get some sleep if I want to wake up at 5am.... ON A SATURDAY.

Leave it to my school to ruin each Saturday. At least give us some classes please! It seems like such a waste of time to go to school on a Saturday to watch sports that nobody cares about when I can be at home, possibly studying. Only possibly la haha.

Well, there's nothing more to say. Its been a bad week so far but opefully I can end it with a bang!

A bang as in SUPERMAN!!! Haha, I'll tell you guys how tomorrow goes. Bye!



Forced To March

Today I was sitting in class being silly as usual when a memo arrived for me saying that I have to join my St. John marching.

Yeeeeeer is this a punishment for something cause I'm suffering so much.

Thankfully there's only three days of training so I just have to suck it up till then.

Just now, I did my marching in my pinafore and I felt sick.

And now, my feet hurts.

And I feel myself darker.

I planned to not join anymore activities anymore, and now I'm forced to skip a day of school tomorrow. I hate it!

More And More Drama

Well, the drama team asked me to join them 2 days ago.

I was really in a dilemma on whether or not if I should join because they really hurt me and I don't really care much about them anymore.

And the teacher in charge didn't even ask about what I wanted, she just snapped her magic fingers and poof, I'm in just cause she said so.

The only reason I'm in is because Fish pulled out. If he didn't, I don't think they would even think twice about me.

I feel like the unwanted backup plan....

So why am I joining? I can always say no. Why should I care?

Well, I don't wanna leave Sarah alone by herself. And also, there is that little part of me that still love being a geeky drama queen.

I went to the rehearsals yesterrday and teacher said she wanted me to try out being a bitch and she said she doesn't think I can be a bitch because I look very innocent. *scoff

Oh please. I AM a bitch.

Actually, I don't know how to act like a diva sort of bitch, only a mean and a dumb blonde kind but, practice makes perfect.

However, I don't think I'm showing much dedication anyway cause today, I skipped the rehearsal to go for tuition. And even when I went for tuition I wasn't paying any attention to teacher anyway!

I feel so bad for that! So, this is the last time. The whole drama cast needs help cause they suck bad.

I'll make sure they're better in the competition. Until next time then.



Next day..... (Brace yourselves, I have lots to complain about)

Yer yer yer yer yerrrrr! The drama team is so frustrating!!!

Today Sarah and I trained them on their voice projection and I felt so frustrated! I felt like punching something because they're not doing it seriously! A whole hour just to perfect a stupid expression on one person is ridiculous!!!

They were laughing and laughing and laughing and UNTIL THEY DIE LA THEY LAUGHING HAIYAAAA!!!!!! Tell me where the hell laughing is gonna get you on the day of the competition huh? To embarassment and beyond?!!!! *frustrated scream

And the whole thing was so very boring... I was yawning through the whole thing and when it was finally the time to say my lines, I needed that kick in the arse to get me going.

I don't know what's more boring, the tone of the voices or the script. Maybe a combination of both.

AND we're not even rehearsing the amount of time we have to everyday! Only two hours and a half a day.... That's not enough... AT ALL. I'm skipping tuition which I pay RM 20 per day for and I only get to say my lines ONCE during the time. I'm definitely doing something about that. Maybe ask the principal or something if I'm brave enough harhar.

Speaking of saying my lines, I am very embarrassed this year cause of my idiotic lines. They're so embarrassing to the point where I feel the need to puke when I think about it. It's just... so awkward to say my lines to the person I say it to. I wish the guy I say my lines to was someone else.

Well, I guess we're doomed! Good bye world. I'm gonna go crawl under a rock or something now.

Downside

The downside of having a big exam at the end of the year and being incredibly left behind on your studies is that you can't join any competitions. That's how I see it.

I really really really wanna join a lot of competitions this year but I know that if I do, then that would mean sacrificing my classes and study time and also I'll be 'that member' who holds everyone back.

Nobody wants to be 'that member'.

I really want to join drama this year and if I was just a normal student with no big exams then I would totally go for it like I did last year. It was much fun and I had an awesome time with the rest of the cast. We played truth or dare, dressed up, talked all day long and made fun of each other and...

Oh my, I wanna cry! I miss it so much!

When it was the end of the competition I fell into depression not cause we lost, but cause it was the end! We wouldn't see each other everyday anymore!

After months of seeing the same faces and having fun with the same people every day (we didn't attend classes. HOHOHO, I felt superior), you'd get attached. All I didn't like was the photos taken during the comptition because I looked horrible in most of them except one or two. T___T Not joking. All I can say to comfort myself is that anybody will look ugly when they're so into character... except my character was a beauty queen.... an evil one though! :D

So yes, ugly is good! (Delusional)

 

Having fun with Jed's webcam.

 

Left to right : Sarah, Me, Dawer, Isaiah and Ryan.

 

Sarah is supposed to be my rival and the heroine of the story and I have to be a bitch to her. I felt so bad because she makes this really hurt face and it seems so real! Then I would just laugh and ruin the whole thing.

 

 

 And then there's Fitra!

 

Sob... DON'T WE ALL LOOK SO HAPPY?!!... sob... Oh, the reason for all the holes is that we were trying to change the background but something went wrong. Just saying la, I think we looked good in the pics.

 

 

Sarah and I couldn't stop talking about anything but drama after that and slowly we stopped thinking about it altogether. I'm not sure when we stopped feeling withdrawn but it came gradually. Which just goes to prove that we can get over anything.

Now that I'm writing about this I kinda feel depressed again though...

Point is, I want that feeling again. I wanna be part of something like that again but I can't cause of stupid SPM.

And yesterday, Vanissa asked me if I wanted to join an architecture competition and join her group. I thought awesome at first, cause my dad is an architect and it was like following his footsteps but then... SPM ruined it once again.

A dark side of me wishes that they'd lose so that there wouldn't be any regrets for me and I could feel better. So bad yet that's the truth. Can't help these kind of feelings and thoughts.

If they did win and get the prize money (A LOT OF MONEY), you'll see me banging my head against the wall... But! The good side of me wants them to be the best also cause they are my friends after all and I'm not always a thoughtless selfish bitch.

I also wanna join all the fencing competitions actually!!!! But because of SPM, I don't think I'd be able to take the risk of missing classes for training. Better do well in one than be mediocre at both right?

I'm just training once a week for the whole year and to me, that's not nearly enough. I want to train every single day! I like the feeling of soreness and cramps the day after training! I like hanging out with the fencing gang! I hate that this is my last year and I just know this is where it ends!

These are all 'fun' type of competitions. I never go for the stressful ones cause they always make me cry.

I like fun.

And unfortunately, what's fun doesn't seem to ever be the right choice.


 

Annoying Store People

Today I went out to the shops near my school with some of my friends and things just infuriated me so much!!!

Almost every store we went to acted like we were criminals out to steal their items! Sometimes I want to throw money to their faces just to say 'I got money!! I don't need to steal!!'

Like in Guardian, this dude said to us, "Are you done cooling yourselves?" Well that would have hurt if the sole reason we were there was to leech on the aircon. But I wanted to buy a new moisturiser bha.

And then when I was paying for it, the dude asked me to help him pay for it. He was probably joking but it was still awkward and uncomfortable for me. Especially just after he just said something mean.

Him : Pay mine as well?
Me : Um.... Ok?

* Cashier hands me my change and receipt.

Him : Have you paid these? *pushes his 'pills' towards me
Me : Um... No? *run away

And this happened in the supermarket as well! We took a picture together when this worker asked if we took a picture in this mean harsh tone. So we said yes la cause we did. And then nothing happened. So was the point of using the tone if we didn't do anything wrong????

Never going there AGAIN! Or going to that Guardian!

I'm going to Watsons only. Their service is always nice and polite.

When I open my own boutique all my salesgirls will be polite and helpful. If not then I myself will take care of the boutique.

Oh ya, haven't you heard? I want to become a businesswoman now.

Dear JELL-O Ass

Dear JELL-O Ass,

By the time you read this, I'll be maxing out your Visa. I'm sorry for doing this but, OK, I'm really not. I know this might comes as a bit of a brain aneurysm to you - especially because you're an emotional cripple. But I'm sorry – I just need a change. I think you're swell, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Leo, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like declawed rodentia colonics, you eat endangered species, and enjoy defrauding the elderly, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is Glitter, and your favorite band is Jefferson Starship. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Shiny". Anyway, I want to date other people. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally forget the other is alive . We had some good times, or so you told me . But please, don't be bitter like last time. That means no clawing your face. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $100 you owe me, or the fact that you dissected my Dalmatian. So take care of yourself - and choke on your own vomit.

Eat Shit,



http://www.chickenhead.com/stuff/dearjohn/index.asp

Money Can Ruin Friendships

Drama queen post and I over exagerated. Warned!

I guess I am simply too kind! *flutter eyelashes and rest hand demurely on forehead.

I have a friend who borrowed my money since last year and its quite a big amount, at least for a cheapskate like me. Since I know the value and hard work (Daddy's hard work to be exact) put into the money, its hard to believe that I gave it to someone else just like that.

Actually part of that hard work is mine, just by saving only la. And Mrs. Green's (my piggybank) effort too for keeping it safe. That's her up there, yes she is female. See her babies!

We used to be close, like hanging out but with the money between us... Mrs. Green and I aren't the same anymore! WTH.

Ok, seriously...

She borrowed last year, I helped.
She borrowed this year, I helped again.

Money can ruin relationships okay, thats why its always a good idea to not spend money that you do not have!

I used to be okay with hanging out with her, but now whenever I pass her, I just think, OMG SHE HAS MY MONEY!!!

It's not the money that I care about, its the fact that she seems to be oblivious to the fact that borrowing money isn't polite, and it causes me to be uncomfortable.

But the straw that broke my back was when she asked me for more money! How can someone be so damn thick skinned, wanna impersonate a rhino is it? If it is shameful for you, then please don't do it. I guess its true, once you help someone, they'll keep running to you when they're in trouble. Its okay to ask for help once in a while, but learn from those mistakes. Don't act like a helpless baby.

If I can starve myself, so can you.
If I can restrain myself from shopping (and trust me, that's hard for me), so can you.
If I can go on without my phone in my hands texting and crying, so can you.
If I can save RM 1 a day, so can you.

In fact, if she had saved RM 1 since the day she borrowed from me, which was last year, she would be able to pay me back, no problem. But this just goes to show that she doesn't take me seriously. I have confronted her many times, and always in a respectful manner, but she keeps delaying!

What should I do?! I am on the verge of going insane because of money??!! How can this be?

I am helping her, why is she making this so awkward for me.... How could I say no to someone in need, especially when I am perfectly capable of helping.

I just needed to buy some contact lenses for drama, that can wait. I just needed my money to pay my tuition fees, that can wait.
I just needed my own money for the school bazaar, that can wait.
I just  I just needed some money for food that day when we were going to suria, but thats okay, I'll starve just one more day. (crap lies, she had money to buy food that day okay!)

Because I honestly cared about my friend and it was so simple to make her happy, and she promised to pay me back in a week.

What empty lies.

It has been almost 5 months. Can I still call her a friend since things are so awkward between us now?

AND I AM SOOOO ANGRY!!!

This small thing has made me think of all the other things she's done wrong. A lot of things, actually. This is my anger typing!

You think the rest of us bathes in money? You're not the only one to have financial worries! I have worries too, its just that I handle it more gracefully wth.

Am I being too sensitive? Am I too emotional?

Yeah Crystal... you kinda are.

Okay, if you are the one who borrowed money from me, pay me back now.