Stupid Dog That I Love

My dog, Hachi who works as a full time bodyguard for my house disappeared a few weeks ago. I suspect that someone stole him because he is such a badass bodyguard or maybe cause he’s so noisy so someone killed him. Its possible! The world is a cruel place.

Anyway, one of our neighbours asked us what happened and when we told her that Hachi is gone, she said that it was a shame cause Hachi is a “special” dog. Hachi is very very very loud. Every time a stranger passes our house, he goes berserk. But, Hachi is a smart doggy.

He is so smart that he knows all the cars and people around my area, so he doesn’t bark at them. But when he sees someone he doesn’t recognize or a new car, he warns us that there are strangers around.

And I also love that Hachi has expressions. The neighbour said that even though he’s loud, he’s a nice dog because he SMILES. Yeap, my dog smiles at neighbours which is something that even I don’t do.

I want Hachi to come back but at the same time, taking care of a naughty dog is hard work. He climbs over our gate at night and prowls the neighbourhood and pees at people’s tyres. We call him Batdog because of that. (Haha geddit geddit? Cause he’s a bad dog.)

I think someone took him away cause he’s the type of dog that would bite on sight. He doesn’t even hesitate to try to amputate my hand off! Me! The person who feeds him! So terrible la this dog…

But as terrible as he is, I kinda love this doggy. So come home and let me love you, you stupid dog!

2nd December 2014

It has been raining heavily these past few days and yesterday, it rained the whole day. The weather is so pretty like this! :D

I am back in Sabah now, having my semester holidays and I feel unusual. I was so busy with studying and assignments back in school that I was begging for the holidays to come. But now that I am having my holidays, I don’t know what to do and I feel empty.

And everyday I think, what am I gonna do today? And then I answer myself with nothing or something incredibly boring like sleeping. But before I know it, night comes and my family comes home and yay I have company again.

On a sadder note, I just found out my GPA pointer for the semester and its… not as good as I want it to be. I was aiming for 3.5 and above and I didn’t reach it. I got a 3.31 CGPA.

I am tempted to explain to everyone that the grading scale is high and the subjects were hard to justify my less than satisfactory results, but I think its immature to make excuses like that. So I’m just going to redeem myself next time.

There is a reason for me to want a 3.5 CGPA and that is because it is a minimum requirement for me to fly overseas next august. It is a huge setback for me but nevermind la, just study in Malaysia for another year also ok. :D

I don’t know why I am so desperate to fly next year. I really really want to but then again, there are some silver linings. Like for example, I could grow to be more mature and learn to find myself in a familiar environment.  And I’m still figuring out my life so waiting another year might be a good idea.

So for now, I don’t have to worry about university applications or interviews or anything that’s weighing my shoulders down. The CGPA thing is pretty bummy, but I’ll live.

Oh and also, I am totally loving living away from my family. I know some people who are incredibly homesick, and I myself get homesick sometimes too, but most of the time, I feel more free to live on my own with housemates. I like being able to buy late night snacks, and doing my own laundry without any of it going missing, and I like going to study rooms to study and staying at the library late.

Living in boarding school (although I’m not in a boarding school. I’m in college) is awesome. I can see why people love it.

I have also made some friends who I've really come to love and care for and who I know will always be there for me, so that just proves that I'm not the socially awkward seal I think I am! 

Pent Up Anger

Yayyyy all my college and scholarship interviews are done! I had three interviews - JPA, MARA-JPA and UM. Should I write an experience blog?

The more that I think about it, I think I have made a grave mistake.

Eottohke?!

My mistake is letting other people tell me what to do. Back then, it seemed like a pretty good idea because I had no idea at all what I wanted to do with myself and I thought adults knew better than me anyway, so a huge part of my choices (like 50%) was all about other people's thoughts on what I need to be.

I don't have the passion for most of the things they tell me to do.

So, my advice to my juniors who are fresh out of school... DON'T LET ANYONE, NOT EVEN YOUR PARENTS, TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT. If you don't know what you, think about it until you do. Ask for advice but don't let people force you. Ask yourself, what do I desire? What Alan Watts said is true, if you really like doing something, you will eventually become a master at it and it doesn't matter what it is.

I should have just applied what I wanted!!!!! *sigh Now, looking in at my list of applied courses, it makes my heart heavy.

In fact, I'm starting to resent everyone who told me what I needed to do. And its not even a suggestion, its like an order. Said rudely to me some more haih.

Everyone (well almost everyone, mostly the aunties) is telling me, "Don't be stupid. You got 10As. Be this be that. What for become this and that. Eh, money is everything you know so don't need to put your passion and happiness into this decision. Trust me, I'm an aunty and I know everything."

And its just so frustrating!! Its me who is going to make this my whole life! Its me who is going through the stress! Hey aunty! Go tell your own children what to do  la!!! The worst thing is, they have been absent for most of your life and suddenly at this moment, they can tell you what's best for you.

I want to be what I am passionate about and what is going to make me happy. Money is numbers, and numbers will never end. The people who make their whole life working just for the sake of gaining money will never be satisfied.

I don't want to get money just to continue living a shitty life.

Lol, is my pent up anger showing? Well, that's cause I am angry.

Mostly angry at myself for not standing up for myself in the first place. They told, and I listened so that makes me equally, if not more, or even if not entirely at fault in this situation. 

So when the time comes, I will have to decide. If I were offered a scholarship or accepted into a course in something I don't want, will I take it? Maybe a miracle will happen.

Downside

The downside of having a big exam at the end of the year and being incredibly left behind on your studies is that you can't join any competitions. That's how I see it.

I really really really wanna join a lot of competitions this year but I know that if I do, then that would mean sacrificing my classes and study time and also I'll be 'that member' who holds everyone back.

Nobody wants to be 'that member'.

I really want to join drama this year and if I was just a normal student with no big exams then I would totally go for it like I did last year. It was much fun and I had an awesome time with the rest of the cast. We played truth or dare, dressed up, talked all day long and made fun of each other and...

Oh my, I wanna cry! I miss it so much!

When it was the end of the competition I fell into depression not cause we lost, but cause it was the end! We wouldn't see each other everyday anymore!

After months of seeing the same faces and having fun with the same people every day (we didn't attend classes. HOHOHO, I felt superior), you'd get attached. All I didn't like was the photos taken during the comptition because I looked horrible in most of them except one or two. T___T Not joking. All I can say to comfort myself is that anybody will look ugly when they're so into character... except my character was a beauty queen.... an evil one though! :D

So yes, ugly is good! (Delusional)

 

Having fun with Jed's webcam.

 

Left to right : Sarah, Me, Dawer, Isaiah and Ryan.

 

Sarah is supposed to be my rival and the heroine of the story and I have to be a bitch to her. I felt so bad because she makes this really hurt face and it seems so real! Then I would just laugh and ruin the whole thing.

 

 

 And then there's Fitra!

 

Sob... DON'T WE ALL LOOK SO HAPPY?!!... sob... Oh, the reason for all the holes is that we were trying to change the background but something went wrong. Just saying la, I think we looked good in the pics.

 

 

Sarah and I couldn't stop talking about anything but drama after that and slowly we stopped thinking about it altogether. I'm not sure when we stopped feeling withdrawn but it came gradually. Which just goes to prove that we can get over anything.

Now that I'm writing about this I kinda feel depressed again though...

Point is, I want that feeling again. I wanna be part of something like that again but I can't cause of stupid SPM.

And yesterday, Vanissa asked me if I wanted to join an architecture competition and join her group. I thought awesome at first, cause my dad is an architect and it was like following his footsteps but then... SPM ruined it once again.

A dark side of me wishes that they'd lose so that there wouldn't be any regrets for me and I could feel better. So bad yet that's the truth. Can't help these kind of feelings and thoughts.

If they did win and get the prize money (A LOT OF MONEY), you'll see me banging my head against the wall... But! The good side of me wants them to be the best also cause they are my friends after all and I'm not always a thoughtless selfish bitch.

I also wanna join all the fencing competitions actually!!!! But because of SPM, I don't think I'd be able to take the risk of missing classes for training. Better do well in one than be mediocre at both right?

I'm just training once a week for the whole year and to me, that's not nearly enough. I want to train every single day! I like the feeling of soreness and cramps the day after training! I like hanging out with the fencing gang! I hate that this is my last year and I just know this is where it ends!

These are all 'fun' type of competitions. I never go for the stressful ones cause they always make me cry.

I like fun.

And unfortunately, what's fun doesn't seem to ever be the right choice.


 

I Suck At History

Written on 18th January 2013

Finally it is Friday! It feels like a week since the last Friday.

Today I am very impressed with the people who sit around me in class because there were maybe 50 questions given to us by our history teacher on Wednesday and every one have done it except me because I was absent on Wednesday.

Anyway, teacher said that she would test us the questions without us looking at the book. And I was like, Oh dammit....

I knew only about 10 of the answers and even those are only the easy ones.

So I tested Frieda.

Question after question I shoot at her and answer after answer she shoots it back. I died lol.

Very impressive Frieda, very very impressive. *applause

So since she is already so pro, I turned behind in hopes of finding someone closer to my league so I can tell myself that I'm not stupid haha.

But Leon is also so damn smart in history how can they be in this class! They should be in S2 or S1.

Leon was even more impressive because I shot questions at him like a machine gun and he fires back like blinking his eyes. So laid back again that!!!

Me? I answered their questions like an angry birds slingshot. Haiya, why am I like this...

Hehehe, but when Leon was asked by teacher, he cracked under the pressure after a while and answered one question wrongly. Nevertheless, its still very impressive of them.

And Lionel also claimed that he doesn't know anything but yet he answered like it was nothing.

When is Teacher Dorothy gonna give us some essay to do ah... I have to do at least one thing that I'm good at. Yeah I did mess up my year end essay by writing a stupid love story but never again! I'm going to write some awesome mind blowing stuff (I HOPE).

But you know, maybe my essays are crap and I'm just biased to my own work. But I'm determined!

I don't know how but my 1119 will a least be a B+.

1119 is your essay grade if you didn't already know.

Form 5 maths for me is actually really simple for now because my teacher is very very slow. Like soil paced slow.

I wish there was something I can do for my history! Besides reading each page 10 times a day that is. Any tips? Any magic voodoo you can do on me?

But I'm sure with hard work and dedication anything is possible! So I'm gonna go study and do my homework now.

Have a nice weekend!

Here's a picture of Kookie.

Crying Like A Baby

Shitty.

That was how I felt earlier today.

I was doing nothing when Mr. Thien came to class and called Ben out, for Korea... and he didn't call me....

So of course I wasn't chosen to go to Korea, but then Ben called me out. Mr Thien said that Elvena and Ben are going to Korea and if that was okay with me. It went like this :

MT : Are you okay with Elvena and Ben going?
Me : Yeah.. (smile)
MT : Because the teachers said that Elvena worked the hardest.
Me : Can la...
MT : You must say if that is true..
Me : Mmmm hmmm...
MT : And since Ben is the leader, naturally he would go.
Me : Okay okay...
MT : Sure ah? Don't write to the newspaper that this isn't fair or anything.

At that point I was still okay though I felt a little bit disappointed. Then we went to see Carlin, another group member and repeated the process over again. Then finally, we confirmed that Ben and Elvena will be representing our group in Korea and Mr Thien left us.

As we were going upstairs back to our class, the first drop of tears started to fall and Ben was so nice, he offered his place to me! But I said no, cause that wouldn't be right you know?

How I felt when the news came.

Then I went to class and I saw my friends talking. I ran to a small space behind where they were talking and just collapsed to the ground, covered my face with my hands and cried.

I wish I looked this pretty when I'm crying.

Its the kind of crying where you can't breathe and you don't want to make a sound but you just can't help it. I think I was really really really loud too... just imagine a baby crying.

And all my friends crowded around me and comforted me!!!

Jessica, who gave me tissues when for my snot and tears!!

Frieda, who hugged me and gave me her shoulder to cry on but I don't want cause I was scared that my makeup would stain her shirt!

Sarah, who rubbed my back and kept comforting me and telling me the silver lining of things!

The friend who told Ben to stop smiling because that made me feel shittier about things! I don't know who that was because I was blurred by tears.

Ben, who offered his place to me! I said congratulations to him while I was sobbing violently so it didn't seem very genuine... but I really mean it!

*sob sob Congrats Ben.... *sniffel sniffel *sobs harder*sobs like a maniac*

Carlin, Caroline, Julia, Michelle, Calvin and everybody la who was there but I didn't notice because I was too busy trying to calm down!!!!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

And soon, with the help of my friends, I cried in a controllable manner and it was time to go home...

Then Carlin talked to me at the bus stop and comforted me more because I still felt like the biggest shit in the world. She said that I should take Ben's offer because I wanted it so so so so so so much, but I don't think that would be fair to Ben.. so... sigh, next time la.

I was still crying controllably until my dad came to pick me up. When I told him the news, I began crying like a baby again, how la like this. Then my dad comforted me, saying I'll get something better next time if I worked harder. So work harder I will!

Haiya, I was really sad, disappointed and just overall devastated... It took me a few hours to stop bawling and that is only when I got my fix of 9gag and McDonalds that I stopped crying.

9gag is magical!

I really can't get pissed off at anyone because I know that I'm not the most deserving to go. So, I'll just assume that God is doing what he needs to do and let bygones be bygones.

It's not like its the end of the world.

Ah crap, I feel like crying again... and theres a stack of papers that needs some violent tearing so bye! I need to vent of my anger and frustration in a physical way!