I Have Nothing To Do

Lately my days have been filled with a whole lot of NOTHING.

However, I did go have a semi-boujee lunch last weekend with Bjay.

I went to Pusas The Smokehouse at Signal Hill and lemme tell you... the portion of fries is huge and I think RM 12 for fries with bacon and cheese is an okay deal. The cheesy wedges from KFC is already like RM 4 for a quarter of what Pusas gives you.

I've been going back to Dr. Seuss' Oh The Places You'll Go. It was relevent when I was taking my SPM, and relevant when I was waiting for my uni placement, and it is relevant now as I am trying to get a job as a fresh graduate.

I think getting a job as a fresh graduate might be the most frustrating thing I have embarked on thus far. I actually thought that I was going to get a job within a month XD I was that naive.

Every single job needs experience but I need a job to get experience and the vicious cycle goes on and on. I think all I need to do is calm down and trudge on but every rejection is so hard and the days just are so emotionally draining. Then I remind myself that I am in a fortunate position that I can take my time.

Truth is, everyone has their own pace and its a privilege to be able to be choosy in my career.

I am back in Sabah and I feel absolutely lost and sad and lonely!!! But I won't talk about that.

I am, however, going to talk about how I am losing weight! At least I think I am cause I can physically see it happening but I don't have a scale. Maybe its caused I've stopped obsessing about my weight that I'm losing it. I haven't been eating dinner and I haven't been drinking any soft drinks, so maybeeeee...

Although because I have not been eating dinner, I think my gastritis flared up and I got sick for an entire week. I puked and couldn't keep any food down. I must be pretty messed up in the head cause I was kinda pleased I wasn't digesting more calories.

I am so sad.

I don't want to leave. I've been doing everything I can to stay here but it seems like I am destined to graduate on time. And I feel so drained all the time but I can't sleep at night. On sunday night, I slept at 7 FUCKING AM. I mean, I went to bed at 2am and closed my eyes but my brain just wouldn't shut up. It felt like I was dreaming but it was just my head going wild.

Anyways, I guess its gonna happen sooner or later and I should suck it up and deal with it. I'm just so tired, mentally and physically.

But I know its all going to be okay and this is just a small blip in my life. I just have to keep reminding myself that its all going to be okay and this too will pass. I have to leave to move forward.

You know what... I am actually so jealous of people who get to go to grad school immediately after doing their undergrad degree. Its just that there is a sense of comfort knowing that life isn't gonna drastically change and the people around you change and the air around you is different and your entire lifestyle is gonna change in a single day oh god im making myself anxious.

Does this make sense to you?

I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO MALAYSIA BECAUSE I LIKE MY FIRST-WORLD LIFE. There I said it. Its nice to have everything delivered to my doorstep and not have to go out ever, and feel safe and having my independence. When I go home, I'm just gonna feel like a child again living with my parents. A child and a maid, cause I'm gonna be the only one who cares about cleanliness.

And my eczema is gonna come back full swing cause its so hot and humid and dirty! D:

I wish I was rich.

Let's talk about my day.

Today I slept at 2AM and woke up at 8:25AM. I took 25 minutes to get ready for work which was supposed to start at 9AM and arrived at 9:15AM. I was late shit. But its okay cause my work is flexible and my boss told me its okay to be a little late as long as I finish on time.

I worked till about 11:25AM and then went to the greenhouse to water my plant experiments. There were some sprouting now. I thought they all died lol.

Then I went to eat and watch some YouTube before going to the library because its quiet and nice.

ugh i suck.

1ST DAY OF CLASS

Hurrah today was the first day of the last semester... Or maybe not hurrah cause I am dreading the day when I get home. But its okay, I had the chance to experience something amazing.

I only had one class today at 8 FREAKING AM and I am so tempted to kill it out of my schedule. As soon as my professor uttered the words "group project", "presentation to the office of something something", and what made me wanna barf in the middle of class was all the readings and essays omg am I actually going to have to WORK for this??!!

Just another day in me being a brat,

Then I went home and slept the ENTIRE day. Oh! And YOU on Netflix is amaaaazinggg like holy shit I love it! I am watching it as I am typing this right now.

Today I failed at saving money. I bought a 5$ bag of chips and then had food delivered to my house. T.T. Its okay, I have a shift tomorrow and I'll just work an extra hour and a half to make up for it.

Trying to limit my shopping

In the spirit of saving money, I am going to limit my shopping.

I have always loved to shop. In my first year of university, I think I shopped almost every single week whether its on Amazon or Target or Sephora. And most of the time, it was just to have fun! I think at that time, my rent so low (270$) that it really left me with lots of leftover money.

But now, I am paying 399$ a month on rent which is wayyy more than what I used to pay. Gas and water is included in that though, so that actually evens it out a little bit but still... I saw a picture shared by Dave Ramsey and he said that 25% of your income should go into housing. I think I spend about 37%, depending on how many hours I worked in my part-time job. Then again, I don't pay for insurance, or a car, or health, so 37% sounds about right. But shopping is so compulsive and unnecessary. It clutters and makes me feel like shit afterwards. So no more compulsive shopping and that includes food delivery!

I think another really important lesson I learnt in the past year is that I don't have to go on vacation so much. I really much rather stay at this home I spent so much money decorating, with the internet I pay so much monthly, and the gas that is already included in rent.

But sometimes I do get jealous when I see pictures on instagram. It just seems so fun!!! T.T And I just seem so lame for sitting at home.

Then you know what's even not so fun and lame? BEING A BROKE ASS BISS. Honestly, its just pressure and jealousy that's making me go on these expensive vacations. I just wanna brag about how much money I can spend when I don't have money to spend. Its so stupid cause I should've started saving earlier and worked more instead.

And that's how I comfort myself. However since I've been so good and not travelling, I am saving up to go to Chicago for spring break and that should be fun! I've already been to Chicago but this time, I think its gonna be more of a relaxing trip than a explore the city kind of trip. The plan is to rent out an amazing Airbnb and chill with good food, and think of it as a treat.