New year! New class!


Hello guys, Crystal here. Its been three weeks already since a new semester started and I think I'm doing quite well in classes.

I'm in yet another new class this semester. My class has 23 boys and 2 girls, one of which is me. Welcome to Engineering.

You'd think this is a dream come true for a girl but think again. It's quite lonely in class but it's an opportunity to learn better and have fewer distractions.

All the girls in my program are really good in Calculus apparently, and I'm repeating Calculus.

Most of all, I miss my friends. I almost never get to see them. And when I do, it is me who goes to their class.

I'm the worst relationship-maintainer there is! I don't text. I don't call. I don't talk to people if there isn't an occasion to. I suck at maintaining small talk. So I can see myself drifting apart from them sooner or later. Plus, I have an ego the size of the moon so I rarely initiate conversations.

Jeng jeng jeng.

I won't beg for attention and I won't cling or hold on. I'm just a bad friend like that.

Oh well.

Right now I'm getting all my university applications done and over with and I hope so badly that I'll get accepted into at least one of them.

Pleaseeeeeeee!

That's one of the most crucial part of my program. This is the only thing standing in the way between me and my dream.

Any university is fine. They're all great.

Why do I hurt people I love?

I should just stop talking altogether. I should not hang out with people. And I should keep things to myself. And I should definitely stop begging for people's attention.

Yep.

But other than that, I'm doing good.

Embarassing!

Oh, woe is me!

Today, as I was shopping, something embarassing happened...

I wanted to get some new jeans, and since jeans is something I wear almost every day, I thought I should invest in them.

So I went to Gap and bought a pair of jeans for an "expected" price. It was like RM215, which is not so bad considering everything like the quality and brand. Plus, my 2014 New Year's resolution was not to be so cheapskate and buy low quality stuff.

But I didn't have enough cash on me so I had to use my card, and the horror of horrors happened. My card was denied FML.

I was so flustered I couldn't even finish my sentences! And I said, "I'm gonna... I'm gonna...*points to the general direction of the exit*." And the cashier said, "To the atm?" "Yeah."

I don't even know why I'm so embarassed because things like this happens sometimes right right?? But I felt this irrational urge to tell the cashier that I had loads of money.

In the end, everything went fine though. But I have new jeans! I have been wearing the same two jeans for the whole year, so cannot! Time for new ones hoho.

A while back, my results for school came out and as expected, I did badly. But I feel like I grew a thicker skin and learnt to accept failure better. I didn't cry over it or told people about it and I forgot about it the next day haha.

Thinking about that made me think more about how I've grown and not grown this year.

I've grown to be more independent, I think because I found myself not thinking about home or family as much. I've even gone to a point where I don't call or text my parents anymore. And I looooove being able to make my own decisions about where to go and what to do whenever and wherever.

But at the same time, I still feel like a little child. I still have severe regret inducing spending habits. Like on Chinese New Year, I didn't go back home to Sabah, and I spent about RM 100 every single day for 5 days. 😥😥😥 So wasteful!! *knocks head

And I am sometimes tactless in my conversations with people. I noticed that I hurt people's feelings a lot a lot and I wanna say sorry but its too awkward because I'm not sure if their feelings are even hurt and don't wanna make it a big deal if its not.  Y'know what I mean?

I'm also still socially awkward ngeh. Some people say I look antisocial and others say I'm friendly, so it can go either way I suppose. But I admire nice and friendly people in my school and I wanna be like that! Hmm, like Jesus? 😄😄

Yes! Just like Jesus.

10 things I wanna be/do
1. Kinder.
2. Nicer.
3. Gentler.
4. When people do wrong to me, I want to respond in kind. Like turning the other cheek when people slap you and to forgive even when people are not sorry.
5. Not judge.
6. Be more grateful.
7. Generous. I wanna be generous not just in the form of money and material things, but also in my time and kindness and friendship.
8. No more gossiping! I am guilty of this this year. I feel like my mean words are just as bad when the person in question isn't there.
9. Not be so kedekut with compliments and love.
10. Be more motivated and positive. This year I was very pessimistic, almost borderline asshole lol. And I think the negative thinking actually makes me more annoying because I keep bursting people's bubbles.

Hello once more readers, I finally have free time (for two months to be exact) and I can blog yey!

I actually logged on into this blog without any plans or things to say, but I must have something to say right? Its been two months since I last said anything.

Well, for starters...

For the past two weeks, I have been off contact from everyone (except family). I am really crap at keeping in touch with people unless I am forced into situations with them. I am crap at small talk and I am crap at coming up with unnecessary conversations.

I did actually text with a friend at the beginning of the holiday, and we literally wrote about ten lines each and ended our conversation with 'hahas' and 'lols'. I mean, what do you expect me to say when all you say to me is 'haha'?? Because that is one of my tactics to end conversations online, so I just end up not replying.

Also, I deleted my twitter account, so nobody can contact me through that either. Which leaves facebook (which I am also planning on deleting if not for the photos) and instagram. I quite enjoy instagram actually. But who has conversations on instagram? No one.

But I am loving this solitude actually. Or am I just saying that to lie to myself and make myself feel better? *laughs maniacally

Socializing is such hard work.

Speaking of socializing, there is something on that topic that I want to get off my chest. And I feel like such a 16 year old for having this on my chest in the first place.

But aren't sweet boys just one of the most frustrating things ever? Frustrating, and deceiving. Whenever a boy says sweet things to me like...

This one guy said to me, "Who said you're nothing to me?"

And another guy saying to another guy and I was a spectator to the conversation, "Crystal is pretty." *blush (not every day you hear that

Or when you say, "No one would be interested in anything I say," and he goes "I would". *true story

Or if its just a compliment accompanied by the most dashing smile and an intense stare directed at you...

There are always two parts of my brain going on when these things happens. One of them makes my heart skip a beat and my lips turn upward and my cheeks blush. I could never help feeling a teeny tiny bit happy after that.

But at the same time, I know that 99.99% of these comments, usually don't mean as much as I think. And I think a lot, cause, you know, I'm a little crazy. But its crazy with a leash on because there's always that dependant part of my mind that says "Woah hold it sister."

And I am ever so grateful that I have those thoughts but sometimes, the thought comes too late and this happens.

A guy says hi.
Me : Do you think he likes me?
Friend : Wut o.O
Me : (under my breath) damn what is wrong with me?

So yeah, that was just a thought I had.  Crazy thoughts... now you see why I feel like a 16 year old when this is the crap going through my mind. You'd think I would have something better to ponder on, like world peace or uni applications but no no. I choose these things.

Sigh. Although, I think these meaningless thoughts are just distractions I am making up for my studies. I worry tirelessly every single say but there is nothing I can do! I wish my school offered some classes over these 2 months and let me do something because not doing anything about my stupid grades is driving me insane.

I just hope my parents won't be called to the parent lecture meeting if i don't meet the required CGPA. WHICH I AM SO FUCKING WORRIED ABOUTTTTT!

Just suck it up i suppose. And deal with the consequences of not doing well. I'll just think of it as a fall, and I will get up and recover. Have to have to have to!

I am not looking forward to it. 😕 I might even cut myself off the world for a few weeks so I don't cry about it to anyone and annoy people. I'd cry if my CGPA was less than 3.00.

It would take a really bad result for that my CGPA to go that low but I'm being pessimistic. That way the fall would hurt less.