Fears

Everybody got fears right? I got millions of fears so I thought I could list my top 3.

1. Fear of failing in life.
This is why I'm so obsessed about figuring out the future. Oh update! I'm also considering opening my own business.

Anyway, I'm mildly competitive and when I become mildly competitive, I get mean. Lol, and its not even my self evaluation eh! People actually tell me upfront that I am a bitch in competitions which I take seriously.

So I actually get competitive with my cousins because I want to be the best among them but its not easy. They are the kind people that go to Europe and other famous oversees places to study... on scholarship some more! Becoming engineers and such how to beat? By becoming smarter and richer of course! Wadafa.

Have to beat have to beat have to beat have to win have to win have to win.

2. Fear of criticism.
When I do something or meet people or talk to a large group of people and I'm feeling particularly unconfident that day, I'd spend the whole day thinking if people are criticising me.

But now I know, that the person who critisizes me is myself and if people to critisize me, then its constructive criticism.

But I'd still blog crap about them if they critisize me lol.

3. Fear of rejection.
I've only confessed my feelings to one boy in my life and got rejected ngaw. But nevermind! It doesn't matter. It's great blogging substance lol.

I also fear being rejected like when I lose in some competitions but nevermind la, failure is the first step to success and often is the hardest step to get by. And its nice to know that I'm on my way up the ladder :D

Learn from failure and all that right?

Going Crazy Thinking About This

OH MY... People can track who view their profiles on facebook. Well, there goes my stalking.

I've always been obsessed with what I want to do in the future.

I've also taken multitudes of career tests and its bullshit. So inaccurate...

Nothing fits my criterias! Which are --

1. AMAZING pay. I want to be rich. I don't care how horrible that makes me sound, almost everyone wants to be rich.
2. Its gotta be something I can see myself being happy with.
3. I don't want to study too long for it. Some occupation needs years of studying and internships.
4. I want to be proud of what I'm doing. So for me, that would be something like superwoman lol. No, actually, I really want to contribute to society and the world somehow.

Not such a long list at all.

I actually thought about becoming a surgeon or psychiatrist because its what my parents want and society will look at me like *gasp! and people always look down on me because of the way I act. I know I can do it if I really want to but I don't want to lol. I can't see myself being happy.

Oh ya, you guys should check here here to find out your personality types. I think I'm an Idealist  (INFP type).

Anyway, I've done some researching (okay, googling) and here are the careers which I think I may like.

1. Writer
I would LOVE to write in a woman's magazine about beauty, relationships and all that jazz! The pay is a median of RM 169,031 (55420 USD) a year. The workplace is an office and there will be a lot of competition because these kinds of jobs are always popular. And I love writing! Plus, with writing, I can definitely help people with their problems especially with young teens, I would love doing that! However, the job outlook is kinda slow and I would really have to be a top-knotch writer.

2. Zoologist
I've always wanted to work with animals and I feel that animals are in need of more help as time passes. The annual pay is RM 175,161 (57,430 USD) a year. Its definitely a messy job and I'm not sure if I can tolerate that and again, it has a slow career outlook. But I'm sure its a satisfying job and one of the jobs I'll be really, really proud to tell people. Hey mommy! Today I saved a leopard!

3. Veterinarian
Again its with animals. The pay is great! RM 250,222 (82,0410 USD) anually. Career outlook is much faster than average too! Imagine there is a scale of science careers. Surgeons being in the clouds. And Biotech researchers like my sister being on the ground. And jobs like lab assistants in primary school being 1000 feet underwater. Veterinarians are in the clouds so its going to be really really hard. By the way, I don't know if the scale is really true, its what my sister says.

And if I were too really base my career on what I truly love, and nothing about pay or career outlook....

 4. Zoo curator
Curators are the people who oversee all the animal aspects in the zoo. Like their diets, husbandry, health and all that. They also oversee the educators, veterinarians and keepers. Basically, they keep the zoo animals in check. Pay is a median of RM 148,840 (48,800 USD) but its on of those jobs that pays higher with experience. Job outlook is bad so I would have to work really hard.

5. Blogger
Need I say more? This is my dream job! But people keep saying, no, it will never happen and I'm afraid, what if it doesn't happen for me. But I would choose this job if money and position wasn't important to me lol. I love blogging! I love writing about myself and what I do and I like the thought of everything recorded nicely even if it is online.

So, I'm still clueless of what my future holds. Maybe I'll be World's Greatest Writer or the Curator Who Changed the World wth.

Haha, if you have any idea if something I haven't listed would suit me, or if any of the jobs I've listed is great for please please PLEASE let me know because I'm going crazy thinking about this. Or tell me about your dream job and how you found it because I really want to know.

I know you readers are out there! *point fingers

I could be a careers counsellor from all this obsession with careers.

Random Essay

The sun dazzled my eyes as he and I sat together under the shade of an apple tree. I dared a glance at him, and as usual, my breath was taken away by a mysterious force. His eyes were closed as he reveled in the crisp morning air. His ebony hair was blown back, away from his face, accentuating the tranquil aura that seemed to encompass every fibre of his being. He was laying back against the green grass, his hands behind his head and it took everything for me to look away.

It is at these quessant times, when I can let myself go and forget about the rest of the world and its properness, etiquette and manners. When I can let my hair go if I want to. When I can run and dance however and whenever. When I can eat with my fingers if I wish. But for now, I am perfectly idyllic with just watching the leaves fall beside Mathias.

"What are you thinking?" he murmurred lazily. I turned my head to see him boring his obsidian eyes into me.

What am I thinking? I'm thinking of how we first met when we were five years old. He was the son to the new mechanic working on my family estate. I saw him while I was having a picnic with my dolls under the very apple tree we were sitting under right now. I was just pouring some imaginary iced tea into a miniscule teacup when an apple dropped on top of my head making me yelp and while rubbing my head, I raised my head to the sky and saw a boy up on the tree.

"Who are you?" I called up to this mysterious boy, squinting my eyes against the rays of the sun. I could only see his silhouette as he crouched on a branch.

"Name is Mathias. What's yours?" he replied warily.

"Crystal. Come down from there," I said... And he did. I didn't know what to do with him, so I simply said, "Want to play with me?"

After a few seconds of contemplating my offer, he approached me and crossed his legs on the blanket I laid out. I gave a small smile, and he returned it with his own. That was the day I made my first friend.

"I'm just thinking of how we met. It was such a long time ago," I replied to his question.

"Yes, life would be very different if I wasn't on that tree that day," he said. His chuckle sounded like bells tinkling in the breeze as he sat up to look in the horizon with me.

"I wouldn't trade that day for anything," I said wistfully.

"And neither would I," he said it, almost as a faint whisper.

I was enchanted by his words and was surprised when I felt his rough palm on my cheek and his soft lips pressed across mine. It took me so by surprise that I couldn't even breathe let alone have to ability of speech. However, languidly, I responded to his kiss and drew back, touching my lips as if it was never there.

"I'm sorry," he said while shaking his head. "I've wanted to do that for the longest time."

"That was... unexpected.." Biting my lips, I was silently exuberant of the feeling. I shivered and my cheeks were suffused by the blood rushing through my face. This was the day I have been waiting for! This was the beginning of a new chapter of my life. This was--

"This was a mistake," he sighed and got up to leave.

"Excuse me, WHAT?" I said hoarsely, my fantasy crashing like a fragile crystal orb on the cold floor.. "A mistake? You kissed me, and we both liked it, how could it be a mistake?" I hysterically rambled but he continued his stride back to his home, the barn.

I ran after him, though it was a challenge in my long dress and the fear that someone sees me outside but through sheer determination, I caught up to him and forced him to look at me. "Why?" I demanded.

Running his hands through his hair, he explained. "I overheard your father and mother talking about your bethrothel to Sir Simon. You would be a countess, like you have always wanted. We can't ever be together." The bloody arse couldn't even bear to meet my desperate eyes, which were in hysterics trying to find something in his.

"I've never wanted that! Don't worry, I'll talk to mother and father. No, they won't force me to do this. Please..just don't leave me" I begged him, wet pearls threatening to fall on my cheeks.

Taking a deep breath, he said, "Meet me tonight, in the garden." Taking my hand, he brought it up to his lips and gave a single fluttering kiss upon my trembling fingers, and left.

Tearing my gaze away his retreating silhouette, I turned on my heels and stormed into the house to meet my father.

I wrote this and I'll give this essay a C because the storyline is bad and there's not much expressions.

Kitteh

(5th Dec 2012)

 

Quite a productive week for me. Here are the things that went through my week.

1. Drunk people are scary

I don't like it when people lose control on their soberness.. its scary.
 

And just now, my uncle passed out on the spot where I laid out a mattress nicely and sneezed all over it. I am still considerably pissed at that. Harrumph.. I ended up sleeping on the hard ground.

2. Children hate me

And I hate them. But secretly, I seek their approval. Like my nephew, Mason cried whenever I'm in a 2 feet radius from him. Bu my other nephew, Ashraff likes me. And my newborn niece, Gabriella seems to like me too!

But I love Gabby's brother, McCain the most because I can bully him as much as I want and he will always forgive me. Last week, I made him cry by tellin him my little brother doesn't want to see him.

3. Awkward family conversations

During the time I'm in kampung, I don't even want to try to have mindlessly small talk with my cousins. There's really nothing to talk about because they're all either working or in university. I'm the youngest girl in my mom's side of the family.

Beside, they probably think I'm stupid because of my lack of survival skills and common sense and abundance of social awkwardness.

4. I gotta hold my bowel movement around here

And that is because there is a shortage of water around here. And I like to know that I am able to clean my ass with ease.

Its almost midnight now and people are still drunk downstairs.

5. I really can't sleep

6. Im running out of topics to write about.

7. Look at this hen and her eggs!!

I didn't know a hen could lay so many eggs.

 

I was really tempted to steal an egg and bring it home so I can have a pet chicken. Then I remembered the turd part.

 

And now, I'm too lazy to write....

 

(7th  Dec 2012)

Look at all the rambutans I can't reach to eat!

 



 

Look at all the durians that fell from the durian tree behind the house! For those people who never tasted durian, no, it doesn't taste like rotten onions. I don't know what these orang putih mean when they say a durian tastes and smells foul. I LOVE IT!!!

Look at the kitteh that can't decide whether she loves me or hates me! Her name is Becky the Kitteh.

 



Look at the hen and its babies that are getting uglier by the day! Small fluffy newly hatched chicks are cuter.

 

But the outcome is the same anyway. They're gonna get eaten.

 

 

And here is a video for your entertainment of my Big Brother, Big Sister, Little Brother and me bullying Becky the Kitteh and her mom, Blacky The Catteh. Big Sister was telling my little brother that he should go to Sunday School early. And the lady at the end talking to me is Becky the Kitteh's owner, my aunt.

 

Yeah I know.

 

We're badasses.

 



Till Next Time

Something big happened in my life.

On wednesday morning, my grandfather died and my family rushed to Beaufort almost immediately. I just got back at midnight on Saturday and I am going back there again tomorrow.

Yes, I cried.

Yes, I'm sad.

Yes, I'll blog less now.

Yes, I'm okay.

I don't know if I should blog about this, in detail I mean.

Anyway, I'm going to be out of town a lot, and so that means you'll hear less of me.

Bye bye.

Till next time then.