Its Okay

Okay, I'm done from being a spaz. I think my attitude is wrong la. I shouldn't have acted like a baby.

So, I want to say that it is okay that I didn't get to go to Korea. My life is very much happy and great as it is so it would be okay that I wasn't chosen, because I believe that my chance will come someday!

I already have amazing friends who put up with me in my most childish moments.

I have money to go shopping right here in Sabah!

I already have all the skincare products I would want!

I already have my winnings for SINDEX anyway so I'm already grateful for that.

I already went to Singapore in Form 2. And they both haven't been on a plane so this would be their chance!



And since Elvena and Ben worked so hard on the project (harder than me) I think that I should be supportive of them and hope that this will be one of the best moments of their life.

And of course, if the world has an ounce of justice, they should have the best moment in Korea.

Anyway, just because I was disappointed this this time, doesn't mean something just as great won't ever happen to me. So just as Sarah, Frieda, Jessica, everybody la said, 'its okay!'

Its really okay! ^^

Because someday, this will all be something funny to talk about, while I am with my friends, wearing a bikini, lounging beside my home pool in paradise. While male models serve frozen yogurts and we being totally unimpressed by their beauty... because we would be even more beautiful! Then we'll talk about how I was so desperate to go to Korea but in that time, I'll be travelling the whole world!

Okay, new item on my wishlist, TRAVEL TO KOREA (OR THE WORLD)!!! HWAITING!

Crying Like A Baby

Shitty.

That was how I felt earlier today.

I was doing nothing when Mr. Thien came to class and called Ben out, for Korea... and he didn't call me....

So of course I wasn't chosen to go to Korea, but then Ben called me out. Mr Thien said that Elvena and Ben are going to Korea and if that was okay with me. It went like this :

MT : Are you okay with Elvena and Ben going?
Me : Yeah.. (smile)
MT : Because the teachers said that Elvena worked the hardest.
Me : Can la...
MT : You must say if that is true..
Me : Mmmm hmmm...
MT : And since Ben is the leader, naturally he would go.
Me : Okay okay...
MT : Sure ah? Don't write to the newspaper that this isn't fair or anything.

At that point I was still okay though I felt a little bit disappointed. Then we went to see Carlin, another group member and repeated the process over again. Then finally, we confirmed that Ben and Elvena will be representing our group in Korea and Mr Thien left us.

As we were going upstairs back to our class, the first drop of tears started to fall and Ben was so nice, he offered his place to me! But I said no, cause that wouldn't be right you know?

How I felt when the news came.

Then I went to class and I saw my friends talking. I ran to a small space behind where they were talking and just collapsed to the ground, covered my face with my hands and cried.

I wish I looked this pretty when I'm crying.

Its the kind of crying where you can't breathe and you don't want to make a sound but you just can't help it. I think I was really really really loud too... just imagine a baby crying.

And all my friends crowded around me and comforted me!!!

Jessica, who gave me tissues when for my snot and tears!!

Frieda, who hugged me and gave me her shoulder to cry on but I don't want cause I was scared that my makeup would stain her shirt!

Sarah, who rubbed my back and kept comforting me and telling me the silver lining of things!

The friend who told Ben to stop smiling because that made me feel shittier about things! I don't know who that was because I was blurred by tears.

Ben, who offered his place to me! I said congratulations to him while I was sobbing violently so it didn't seem very genuine... but I really mean it!

*sob sob Congrats Ben.... *sniffel sniffel *sobs harder*sobs like a maniac*

Carlin, Caroline, Julia, Michelle, Calvin and everybody la who was there but I didn't notice because I was too busy trying to calm down!!!!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

And soon, with the help of my friends, I cried in a controllable manner and it was time to go home...

Then Carlin talked to me at the bus stop and comforted me more because I still felt like the biggest shit in the world. She said that I should take Ben's offer because I wanted it so so so so so so much, but I don't think that would be fair to Ben.. so... sigh, next time la.

I was still crying controllably until my dad came to pick me up. When I told him the news, I began crying like a baby again, how la like this. Then my dad comforted me, saying I'll get something better next time if I worked harder. So work harder I will!

Haiya, I was really sad, disappointed and just overall devastated... It took me a few hours to stop bawling and that is only when I got my fix of 9gag and McDonalds that I stopped crying.

9gag is magical!

I really can't get pissed off at anyone because I know that I'm not the most deserving to go. So, I'll just assume that God is doing what he needs to do and let bygones be bygones.

It's not like its the end of the world.

Ah crap, I feel like crying again... and theres a stack of papers that needs some violent tearing so bye! I need to vent of my anger and frustration in a physical way!

Crappy Prez and Korea

I have about 50 more pages of homework to finish, a SINDEX folio to type out and sleep waiting for me. But still I choose to blog!

I feel like such an idiot today! I was pengerusi for St. John Ambulans and teacher wasn't around so I wanted to discuss our activities for the year. And then I asked my AJKs to come out and introduce themselves and the DON'T WANT TO!!! WTF MAN? Especially the Form 3 AJKs.

I asked them to introduce themselves so people would know where to find them, who they are and so that people would feel comfortable around them. I don't care if they're not a people's person, I would change that about them next year or I'd change my AJKs.

And I really hate AJKs who don't want to do their job. If they refuse to do something I tell them to do, I'd seriously cut them off. I really feel as if people who act coy and shy and lazy when they can't afford to be coy and shy and lazy are really annoying!

And my friend Caroline says that my head would get stepped on if I continue being nice so I'm gonna be a little more fierce next time eventhough I already told them I don't like getting angry.

And and and! When I asked everybody what they wanted to do during the year, I didn't get much of a response.... I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FAILURE AS A PRESIDENT!! T__T

Okay la, nevermind. I'm still determined to make this the best club ever! Mark my words!

Okay, enough of that then.

Today, I got called into the principal's office.... TO BE NOTIFIED THAT IT IS CONFIRMED THAT TWO PEOPLE FROM MY SINDEX GROUP ARE GOING TO KOREA!!!!!!!

I really hope its me! I WANT TO GO TO KOREA! I WILL GO TO KOREA SOMEDAY! I HOPE ITS SOON! I HOPE IT IS NOW!!!!!! I WILL GO TO KOREA! I WILL GO TO KOREA! I SERIOUSLY WANT TO GO TO KOREA! LORD, LET ME BE CHOSEN TO GO TO KOREA!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! KOREA KOREA KOREA KOREA KOREA KOREA!!!!

So tomorrow, the school will tell which two out of five of us will be chosen. I'd be so devastated if I'm not chosen... But Lord, give me strength so that whatever the outcome, I'd be content. I really hope that I wouldn't cry, and that I will be supportive of my friends who did go.

But I'd be more content if I was chosen!

I'm actually really afraid that I'm getting my hopes to high, and the higher it is, the more broken when I fall. But if I don't fall, then I would be flying sky high!

Let's take a moment for you to pray for me that I would be strong no matter the outcome.

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Done?

But, theres someone in my group who deserves more credit and deserves to go to Korea more than me, Elvena. She worked so hard on this project!!! I'd feel guilty if she doesn't go!

But there's a little selfish part of me that wants myself to go no matter what! I don't know!

Let's just leave my troubled selfish thoughts here and I'll blog about the results tomorrow.

Eventful Tuesday

This week was really fun but tuesday was when the fun part starts. My school had the Ekspo KoKum and OMG was it fun!! Except that I had to work that day in my SINDEX booth. It was so damn hot that day that I didn't even bother to attract anybody to listen to me. And there was practically no studying that day!! *kneel and praise the Lord

So during the breaks that I had from my booth I went :

Carolling!! Normally I would never sing in public in front of an audience but I'm already feeling christmassy so I thought, what the hell. Its a sweet memory to be kept. Most of the time, I kept messing up the tune and lyrics but whatever haha. Sigh, I wish I had pictures.

Then I went to my koperasi sale where they sold a crapload of cute, cheap stuff but I was on a spending diet, so I just put it down and walked away.... only to run back and buy a crapload of pens. Haiya. But they were cheap, so I'm a happy cheapskate shopaholic yay! Then I got an eraser for my cabutan bertuah. How can!? Oh well, better than nothing.

Then I visited my friend, Vanissa's booth for PBSM. Where the PBSM of KK did a live demo on how to perform CPR. I thought there was gonna be a volunteer or something but no, they did in on a doll named John. Not creepy at all.. But since I was the president or Sargent or whatever for St John next year, I absorbed everything like a sponge. I want to be a good president next year! Then they had a quiz and I answered one and got a free pen! How long can a human last without oxygen? Hehe, I know.

Then I went on my way to the hall where I hear music coming!

By the way, I was alone the whole time lol. But I didn't feel lonely cause it was fun!

En route to the hall, I saw some face painting thingy by some people from Carol's Face Painting and I really wanted to try it, but people already used the brush and that would be so yucky. Even if they cleaned the brush, the makeup would still be infested by bacteria by some teens oily face. So I just passed it and made my way to the hall where they had ZUMBA!

I don't know why my school is so cool lol! There I spotted my friends and shimmied up to them and danced along. Even though I arrived quite late, but I was still sweating quite a lot. And behind me, the boys were dancing along and I love how sporting they were!

After a while, the dancing just became too ridiculous to copy so we all sat down and just watched the show. Finally, I went out and got a free Tropicana Twister and a Oh My English magazine and went back to my booth where I listened to the csrolling and talked a guy named Isaiah about religion. I feel very rebellious when someone tries to force their religion on me, especially when it is so ridiculous.

After some time, our principal and the bigshots of the school arrived at our booth. I heard him say to Mr Thien, 'Which two of them are going to Korea?' Then Mr Thien said, 'Its not confirmed yet.'

What's not confirmed?? That two of us are going to Korea or which two of us are going to Korea??? I want to go to Korea soooo badly!!!! I really hope we are going to Korea, all of us! Please God please please please!!! But if we are all competing amongst ourselves to go to Korea, I would bribe the principal to choose me lol. No la, it would all be fair and square.

So yeah. This is one of the times when the crap I put up withnLok Yuk seems worth it. I love Lok Yuk! No matter how much extra classes it puts me through!

Ranting Rants of A Ranter

Well well well, aremt you a lucky reader. Cause I'm going to do a ranting post today!!

I am stupid.

I'm not even gonna try to sugarcoat it, please. I failed 5 subjects, got only one B and even that's EST, and the rest are Ds. Sigh, I can hear people audibly gasping, 'Crystal! How can you be do stupid?!'

I know, I know. T__T

No, I don't really know. How did I manage to go from straight A student to stupid crap of a half failing student? No, don't tell me its the blogs fault cause I reduced Facebook time lol.

You know what, for your intertainment, I'll list down my stupid excuse of grades.

BM - 60 something C
BI - 69 (first time I had a C in English in my life)
Moral - 62 C
EST - 74 or was it 72. B
Biology - Fail.
Chemistry - Fail.
Physics - Fail.
History - Fail. (45)
Add Maths - Fail (27)
Maths - 60. C

Yeah, I can hear you audibly gasp again, 'Crystal, its worse than I imagine!!)

I think my problem is that I don't know how to answer it. For physics, if I had gotten the format right, I would've passed roar!

I hate formats. Formats sucks. Did the Neanderthals used formats when they discovered fire? No, I don't imagine so.

Margaret Thatcher once said that we care to much about our feelings that people don't think anymore. Our thoughts become our words. Our words become our actions. Our actions become our habits. And our habits become our destiny. Or so I think that's what she said.

I think I am stupid.... oh crap.

I even feel stupid right now.

I guess I'm following my feelings to much nowadays. I study when I feel like studying which is never and I do my notes like never. Which reminds me that I have to finish up my moral kursus and then wrap all my books. Sigh, work work work. When will the work end?

When I'm 60? And then what? By then I'll be an old cat lady!

I won't have the energy to travel or have fun when I'm 60!

My teacher says that I should continue my studies until PhD.... well, I'll be damned if I have to study all my life.

If I study, I'll get good grades. If I get good grades I have good university. If I get a good university, I get good master's degree. If I get my masters, I can get a PhD. If I get a PhD, I can get a good job. Then because I have a PhD, my life would be so busy that I have to work day and night. Then I'll have white hair and wrinkles. Then before I know it, I'll be 60 and retiring. Then when I want to sunbathe naked in the Bahamas people say I should've done that when I was 20. We work so we can have a relaxing life... but to me, it doesn't seem so relaxing at all.

I have insomnia now I think. And it sucks. Lol, so random.

And you know what else is random, the bright side! The silver lining!

I got ahli cemerlang, which means the best club member for Fencing Club!
I became President for St John Ambulans.
I became secretary for Fencing Club.


And that is where my silver lining ends.


I don't mean the things I said about the good grades. I really really really want good grades actually. My life has to matter. I don't want to be a small blip in the world. So, mark my words. I'll make my comeback someday!