Downside

The downside of having a big exam at the end of the year and being incredibly left behind on your studies is that you can't join any competitions. That's how I see it.

I really really really wanna join a lot of competitions this year but I know that if I do, then that would mean sacrificing my classes and study time and also I'll be 'that member' who holds everyone back.

Nobody wants to be 'that member'.

I really want to join drama this year and if I was just a normal student with no big exams then I would totally go for it like I did last year. It was much fun and I had an awesome time with the rest of the cast. We played truth or dare, dressed up, talked all day long and made fun of each other and...

Oh my, I wanna cry! I miss it so much!

When it was the end of the competition I fell into depression not cause we lost, but cause it was the end! We wouldn't see each other everyday anymore!

After months of seeing the same faces and having fun with the same people every day (we didn't attend classes. HOHOHO, I felt superior), you'd get attached. All I didn't like was the photos taken during the comptition because I looked horrible in most of them except one or two. T___T Not joking. All I can say to comfort myself is that anybody will look ugly when they're so into character... except my character was a beauty queen.... an evil one though! :D

So yes, ugly is good! (Delusional)

 

Having fun with Jed's webcam.

 

Left to right : Sarah, Me, Dawer, Isaiah and Ryan.

 

Sarah is supposed to be my rival and the heroine of the story and I have to be a bitch to her. I felt so bad because she makes this really hurt face and it seems so real! Then I would just laugh and ruin the whole thing.

 

 

 And then there's Fitra!

 

Sob... DON'T WE ALL LOOK SO HAPPY?!!... sob... Oh, the reason for all the holes is that we were trying to change the background but something went wrong. Just saying la, I think we looked good in the pics.

 

 

Sarah and I couldn't stop talking about anything but drama after that and slowly we stopped thinking about it altogether. I'm not sure when we stopped feeling withdrawn but it came gradually. Which just goes to prove that we can get over anything.

Now that I'm writing about this I kinda feel depressed again though...

Point is, I want that feeling again. I wanna be part of something like that again but I can't cause of stupid SPM.

And yesterday, Vanissa asked me if I wanted to join an architecture competition and join her group. I thought awesome at first, cause my dad is an architect and it was like following his footsteps but then... SPM ruined it once again.

A dark side of me wishes that they'd lose so that there wouldn't be any regrets for me and I could feel better. So bad yet that's the truth. Can't help these kind of feelings and thoughts.

If they did win and get the prize money (A LOT OF MONEY), you'll see me banging my head against the wall... But! The good side of me wants them to be the best also cause they are my friends after all and I'm not always a thoughtless selfish bitch.

I also wanna join all the fencing competitions actually!!!! But because of SPM, I don't think I'd be able to take the risk of missing classes for training. Better do well in one than be mediocre at both right?

I'm just training once a week for the whole year and to me, that's not nearly enough. I want to train every single day! I like the feeling of soreness and cramps the day after training! I like hanging out with the fencing gang! I hate that this is my last year and I just know this is where it ends!

These are all 'fun' type of competitions. I never go for the stressful ones cause they always make me cry.

I like fun.

And unfortunately, what's fun doesn't seem to ever be the right choice.