I feel like setting myself on fire.
I feel like going to sleep just to take the misery away.
I just went through my timeline just to see all my past conversations and pics. It was okay... but only for a while. Because then, I saw this conversation which was stupid and that conversation which was worth posting on 9gag and gaaaaah!!! I could die out of embarassment. And to think I only made it till April 2012 before the embarassment made me lose my sanity...
Maybe I should just delete my facebook profile. Or maybe I should just let it die over there. Ugh nevermind la, at least I am secure to the fact that nobody visits my profile. Which I shall keep on thinking is a positive thing!
So I shall digress. Do I have a problem? Yes. Can I do anything about it? Yes, but I'm too lazy. So why worry?
And just like that my embarassment vanished.
Lately, I have been having really weird dreams. Two nights ago was a particularly creepy dream.
You never know how dreams start out, but I remember mine as my lower front teeth being loose. Being 16, that was really weird but in the dream, it felt like a part of daily life. So, I twisted it because I felt that it was so troublesome. Well, somehow, that single tooth became almost four of my teeth and half of my teeth came out!! Then, the teeth that grew out was so out of place that I was desperate to push them with my fingers to their proper place. Then, f(x) which is a korean girl group who was living in my house saw me and rushed me towards the hospital. The end.
Could this be from my subconscious that I really want braces??
One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxieties about your appearance and how others perceive you. Your teeth help to convey an image of attractiveness and play an important role in the game of flirtation, whether it is flashing those pearly white, kissing or necking. Thus, such dreams may stem from a fear of rejection, sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. To support this notion, a dream research found that women in menopause report to have frequent dreams about teeth. This points to teeth dreams as being related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine. Teeth are an important feature to your attractiveness and how you are presented to others. Caring about how you look is natural and healthy.Can this be anymore accurate?
Okay, I just read a lot of articles and it mostly have something to do with emotion. Hmm... I have been feeling lonely a lot. I really miss my friends. And I feel imbalanced because of the lck of money spending.
I used to tell my mom that I was dreaming about people dying and she said its okay, as long as I don't dream about my teeth falling because that would mean that someone would die. T___T
*nervous laugh
Hahaha, I don't think anything bad will happen. It was just a dream, right?
On to a totally different topic. School is starting next Monday and I haven't done my homework yet!! Haiya, why am I like this. Even when I have nothing to do, I still choose to watch leaves fall rather than do homework. Oh well, I'll just live on the dangerous side. I didn't choose the gangsta life, the gangsta life chose me.
Ahhhh!!! I really don't like school! Eventhough I feel lonely, I would rather be lonely than stay in school. And if they don't give us homework, or to come to school on Saturdays and ask us to stay till 3pm, I think I would be okay with the classes. And if they didn't do extra class, I would be more willing to attend school! Isn't it illegal to make extra classes or something? I promise I won't fail on SPM!!!
Ahh SPM, I don't know how I'll go about it. Since I am failing almost everything now and I am currently motivated to do nothing when I am in the school premise. Actually, school isn't hard at all. But it is definitely troublesome! Even the recess time which is a ridiculous 20 minutes is troublesome!!!!
20 MINUTES! It takes 5 minutes to get to the canteen. 5 minutes to order your food. 5 minutes to eat. And then you have to be shooed away by the prefects to go wait for the stairs to open and get checked. So when is our time to go to the toilet? Of course la, have to choose between stomach and bladder. But I would choose stomach because I would go to the toilet during class.
That rant didn't make me feel better... it just made me that much more heavy hearted to go back to school. :(
I need something to take my mind off!!! So, I'm going to put in some snippets from my diary back in 2008.
6th May 2008 - Big Brother is going to Matrikulasi! I'm so worried, I'll try to manage. (Tears)
What a drama queen... and not in the good way either. Anyway, 4 years later, which is now, Big Brother is graduating in September!! I get why I was sad, because I had nobody to play with me anymore. It was his first time studying away from home. A year later, he graduated and went to Perlis. And now graduated and about to be the first of us to do real work!
25th July 2012 - Cyde knows I like him. How could this happen!!?? This is not happening to me. He looked angry when I came to tuition.... And I yelled at the. I really hate this. Maybe I should stop tuition with Cikgu Juriah. This is the worst day ever. Now I hate Cyde. I finally saw his true colours. At tuition, me and Tiara hid at the bathroom. Kurang ajar bha diorang tu. They said Tiara and I minta puji. I don't know la about that but tidak sedar diri ni diorang. And I never wanna see Cyde's face again! Never, ever, never! Hate him so much. Siapa bah yang bagi tau dia tu!! This is true! I really hate Cyde!!! Tiara also hate him.
Now I know how stupid I was. Once again, I am inflicting psychological trauma upon myself. Well, you must want to know the story about this Cyde guy.
He was cute, I liked him. A guy named Elzaro liked me, but he wasn't cute according to me. Cyde was a jerk, Elzaro was nice. So naturally, I'd go for the jerk. Then Cyde found out that I liked him and I cried in the bathroom. The end. Well, teenage relationships are insignificant anyway, so I don't care much about that. Oh yeah, I went through facebook and saw Cyde's then girlfriend. I could kinda see why he liked her over me at that time, because hey, have you seen my IC pic? Ugly.... And really, I was a 'minta puji' girl, even now!
But now... Haha! I'm better than her! *I know that's a vain thing to say but I don't care
And since we're talking about facebook. I saw some pictures of girls from All.S and I just hate but love seeing them at the same time! I hate seeing them because they're pretty, obviously privileged, living a dangerous party life, wearing singlets and tank tops and everything I wouldn't dare to do. But I love seeing their pics because deep down, I know I'm better than them haha! I don't know why but secretly, I see some people that I'm jealous of and hate myself for being not them, but at the same time I think I'm better than them. This doesn't apply to everyone though, there are some people that I am sincerely happy for but for people like the sexy girls on facebook (they're 16 like me) well... The only consolation I can think up for myself is that I'm smarter because... I would see their pictures, be jealous on cue, then see the comments and gasp at the way they talk.
16% JEALOUS, 41% SCOFFING%, 23% HATE, 10% LOVE.
Sigh, I am so pathetic! Ya la ya la! I'm being judgmental today! Stop it, Crystal. Stop stalking other girls' profile and pics! This is why I'm dreaming about my teeth falling out!
Yes, now you see the dark side of me! MUAHAHAHA!
If you're smart, you would've noticed that the percentages doesn't add up to 100% haha.
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